I wish I could think of a clever title for this post...

Like a Phoenix that rises from the ashes, so too will this blog! Muah ha ha. Unfortunatley, usually with the Phoenix, it dies first to be reborn - much like reincarnation.

And just like that analogy, there is a death to report. I wish I could joke around and say that I killed off one of my other blogs (myspace perhaps?), but in reality my brother passed away on Jan 29, 2007. He was only 20.

I want to give my sincere thanks to all of you who have come to my, or my family's, need. It sounds so cliche to say that there is a lot of gratitude to all those who have helped during this difficult time, but it really is true. I'm not going to name anyone b/c I'm going to forget somebody (as is usually the case with my memory)... besides, the list keeps growing everyday.

So - what am I feeling? What am I thinking these days? I really wish I could say for certain. I have my good moments and my bad moments. I have the times when I get angry with my brother for dying, and I have my moments when I miss him dearly. Were we close? Does it matter? We were brothers.

I definitely don't regret the way our relationship worked the last few years. I feel guilty about some of the crap I used to give him as his older brother when we were younger, but as johnnie points out - it's what brothers do.

A few buddhist thoughts on the matter have been interesting for me about all of this: 1) The minister offered this answer to the question "why did he die?": it's because he was born. 2) You really shouldn't wish him back - it apparently makes his soul hesitate in reincarnating and moving on and traps him back to our life. Not that I particular believe in #2, but it's an intersting thought for the rest of us to have as we grieve...

I'm sure in the days following, I'mm going to make more posts (and hopefully ones that are a little more coherent). I only hope that no one else has to go through this.