Bday comin' up

So my bday is coming up soon - Sept 23rd to be precise.

Tonight at an impromptu house party, people asked what I would do for it. I was stunned - it didn't really occur to me to do anything.

I've had bday parties before - cakes, presents... all of it - but the glamor of it has worn off. I remember enjoying nearly all of my bdays... I just don't remember specifics though. I remember Steph and Beck surprising me with an extra cam on my rack (I was confused - I thought I accidentally stole someone's cam that year), I remember my 7th bday party where I invited nearly 30 people. I also remember my 21st where I got drunk with a Native American ex-con. That was interesting. In hindsight, I wonder if that was the safest thing I could have done...

But I'm at a complete loss about what to do this year. It's not that I'm avoiding it or looking forward to it. I don't want to think about it.

I think, personally, I feel pressured in putting on a "party" or an event that will satisfy my friends. And I think this pressure is keeping me from wanting to think about my birthday. I don't want to let them all down so I generally don't think about it (my way of procrastinating). I just want to have a happy time, and I have that best when feeling free and spontaneous.

I think the best birthday present I could give myself this year is to climb a long standing project or to be in the "zone" all day climbing.

The frustrating part is that no one can give this to me. Not that it's frustrating that I can't receive it from an outside source; rather, it's frustrating b/c others become frustrated with me by giving them impossible gift ideas.

I wonder if others have this much inner turmoil over such a trivial date.