what I desire

A wordless conversation. That's what I desire. Besides someone who I can mutually love (see previous post).

This is the point where you, the reader, become confused. I don't know if you've ever had those moments (and I'm not sure that simple words can capture the experience). I've had them once or twice.

My friend Chieko once was staying with me as she had her living situation sorted out. She was planning a several month language session in Mexico and was talking to her dad about both money and his blessing. That night she got neither. She broke down and cried. Mind you, this is a woman that I respect for her strength and preserverance through adversity. And at that moment, she was a seemingly small girl sitting on my studio floor with a dream that appeared shattered all about her.

I distincly remembered the long seconds where I stared at her with nothing but compassion for her. I went over to where she was sitting, sat beside her, leaning up against the bed that she too was leaning against, drew up my knees against my chest and hung my head beside her.

The first few moments, she stiffened - I wasn't really leaning into her or touching her, but I could feel it. Then she relaxed as she realized that with my presence, I told her that I understood. More than that - I felt like we were talking without even looking at each other. Later on she would comment how well I "handled" her and gave that night as a perfect example.

I also remember how when I was in college, I came home to my parents' shortly after a rough breakup. I remember slumping onto the floor of my room, filled with misery. Then, my dog came over from all the way across the house - I could hear him walk over. He came into my room, looked at me for a few seconds, then curled up beside me right before he put his head on my lap. He may have been a dog, but he was more compassionate and effective at showing it than half the people I've met in my life.

Finally, a friend of mine related to me how she and another friend both sat down and watched waves break under their ship. The two of them shared that moment with equal awe without a word and absolutely understood.

They say that if two Zen Masters meet, there really isn't any need for words and they enjoy their time in silence - but all the while understand each other completely.

I guess what I want is that silent intimacy in sharing the present moment. I spend so much time reflecting, thinking and chiseling out my discipline. I want that space where there is no opinion, no advice, no "right" or "wrong", nor any answers to any questions. This I cannot explain with words.