I've had a couple of epiphanies this week - both about the same deal.

I hate holding myself back to express my thoughts / feelings.

Earlier this week, Steph and I chatted on the phone - not to get some random information about leases and bills, or about whether the other person could return things, but really conversed. And it was wonderful - for some reason, I broke down and just honestly told her everything that was on my mind about us, life, etc. It was like an emotional enema, but not nearly as messy. And in case you're wondering, I did NOT do the classic ex-boyfriend thing of "*sob sob*, we were so good - let's get back together".

In a few other instances I decided to be honest and blunt instead of trying to be careful with my words and it seems like it paid off just fine. The best part was that my steps felt a little lighter and I was happier. Once I came to accept that I didn't care about the results of my honesty - but rather that the process of being honest was much more important, Life was easier.

And then on the flip side, I had a couple of moments where I *did* care about the outcome of what I was thinking or what I might have wanted to do (i.e. just yelled at a friend that they were being stupid for doing something, but knew they might take it too personally). And then the stress is there again. Even though I feel like in some of these situations the choices I made to hold back my tongue led to the best long term situation for all parties, I'm ashamed to admit that there's a small bit of me that regrets. It's sometimes hard knowing whether to hold myself back, or to take a chance, step forward out of my normal self and reveal what I really was thinking or wanted to say.

two things from this: 1) I'm thinking too hard about it all - I'm sure with the trip to the mountains, I'll come back rejuvenated and refreshed 2) I think I'm takin life for granted - it's the man who knows that everything is about to die and realizes that life is impermanent that fully enjoys everything life has to offer. "Treat each moment, person and situation as if you will die. Say and do as if you will never ever see that moment, person or situation again" my friend Chieko used to say. Ahh... where is she now in times like this?