It's been over 2 weeks now since my brother passed away. It's been a week since his funeral, and 6 days since his cremation. Somehow, I thought that things get easier with time, but I find that it's not always the case. Some memories are fading away along with the sharp edge of emotion that go along with them. Others are becoming stronger - some are distorted and warped while others are clear reproductions of things that have happened over these 2 weeks.

I sit here at my desk and find myself staring off into nothingness from time to time. Some of these memories that are sharp interject into my conscious flow of thoughts - like the wailing of my mom during our "visitation" with the body, the way my sister felt in my arms as we held each other, the sunken look on my brother's face in the casket... I suppose it's all normal, but it's still unnerving nonetheless.

The most unnerving part of this ordeal is facing these wild mood swings. I try to keep my mood stable and intact around others but in my private moments, especially while I sit alone at work, I feel my emotions swaying to and fro. One moment I'm calm, and the next is a deep despair. The most unnerving of all moods are the anxiety and paranoia - I'm aware that these moods are stirring and recognize the irrational nature of them, but I can't get them to stop. I'm not anxious or paranoid about anything at all - they're both just a general state of uneasiness that makes it hard to focus.

Times like this I try to remember a few teachings from Zen, including one from the minister: "Why did he die? Simple - because he was born. Just like the rest of us". I believe the Buddha once said that everything is impermanent and our own human tendencies to become attached to things that are impermanent causes our distress. If nothing else, I'm trying to walk away from this experience realizing how the nature of everything is impermanent - that one day everything will end and be gone from our lives. On the surface, it appears to be a grim message, but I think that knowing things will end will helps us (and me especially) to NOT take the things that bring joy to us for granted. We'll have to wait and see if I take this lesson to heart.