Episode IV: A New Hope (for Bureacracy)

When I do something really really stupid and I know it, I don't dispute that I'm a tool. Last Thursday, I realized that I'm the biggest tool in around.

This past weekend, I had to travel from San Diego to SF for a wedding, and then subsequently get on a plane on Monday to leave for Japan from SF. I had slowly been packing over the week prior to my traveling. I had been double checking my stuff and my itinerary. It wasn't really until Thurs when I tried to check in for my Southwest flight did I notice something odd - they had no record of my flight...

I went home early that day figuring that I needed a few hours to straighten things out. I bought tickets a month and a half ago - my email confirmation said so. With a print out of the confirmation, I steeled myself for the upcoming navigation of the southwest's telephone help system... only to quickly find out that I had bought tickets for the wrong weekend...

So that's the first reason why I'm a tool - I bought tickets for the *correct* weekend and figured I'd rent a car once I arrived in Oakland Airport. The other reason why I'm a tool? Oh nothing major - ONLY THAT MY PASSPORT EXPIRED 28 DAYS PRIOR. Obi = major tool of the shed. Obviously, leaving for japan isn't like what it was like to cross into canada - I NEED a passport.

It was 5 pm on a Thursday afternoon. My flight was on Monday. I quickly calculated the odds and decided it was grim to get a passport by Monday considering I was getting on a plane in the morning (I was a groomsman and needed to arrive for the rehearsal) for S.F. First thing I did? I called my mother who bought the tickets for the entire family - I hoped that maybe she could try and get a refund...

Of course, my mother freaked out and told me to try and get my passport in order. I got on the phone with the passport information line and explained my situation - I had to leave for japan b/c of a memorial service for my grandmother, my tickets were bought and I needed the passport by Monday. Of course, I could have gotten through to the office sooner if my currently frantic mother would have stopped calling me every 5 minutes. Now, people who know me know that I love my mother - but it's REALLY REALLY hard to get through the bureacracy if you're held on hold and she's on the other line trying to get through to me. Every other time she called, she gave me some helpful keywords to tell the state department (apparently, "family emergency" was the magic words in my situation)... but all the other times she called for an update ("no mom, I haven't gotten through during the 2 minutes you let me navigate their system..."). In hindsight, I should have called johnnie, my sister or someone else close to me first - 3 people all told me (not knowing I had already told my mother) not to call her until I got things figured out... *doh*

So now what I did was to cancel the ticket I JUST BOUGHT an hour ago, get passport photos, fill out downloaded forms and arrange a one way ticket to SF first thing that next morning (as in waking up at 4:30 am to get on the plane first thing in the morning...). My new plan was to get to the SF passport center first thing in the morning and try to beg them for a passport. I assumed I'd need at least $300 dollars in bribe money and maybe throw in my body to be ravaged by the passport office... but that was dependent on how desperate I felt at the time. You know, I was hoping for a nice relaxing and romantic evening with my girl, but alas, like a good Greek Epic, I had to be rushed off somewhere in the midst of a chaotic and hellish situation where the world was crumbling down around me. *sigh*

Next morning, the plane ride went smoothly and I landed in Oakland at 8 am. Next was the rental situation which was an adventure in itself. I didn't have time to reserve anything so I walked up to the first rental car company I found (Dollar) and asked for a car.

"I'd like an Economy car please"
"hrm - we're all out"
"I'd like a compact then"
"hrm - we're all out of that too..."
"I'd just like the smallest cheapest car you have then..."
"we can give you a mid size or a small SUV"

I kinda stared blankly at the guy helping me... had he NOT understood the words I just said? SUV????

"I'll take the mid size"

A few signatures later, I was in the parking lot, looking for stall #39 where my car awaited. Unfortunately, my car was waiting for someone else - I spotted another person getting into the car and signing some paperwork.

"s'cuse me - do you have this car?"
"yes I do - #39"

He showed me his paperwork - absolutely identical to mine. Just my luck too - I was trying to get to the SF passport center as early as I could and Fate seemed to be amusing itself by stalling my efforts.

"I'll go talk to them - you got to the car first..."

Back at the rental car desk, I explained the situation - that they double booked. However, somehow in the 5 minutes I was gone, all their midsize cars were gone. In fact, that small SUV was gone too.

"I can give you a 4 wheel drive Jeep Liberty"
"Fine... I need to get into the City NOW"

Finally I was in the City (known as SF to some of you) an hour and a half after I arrived in Oakland. Not the fastest time-to-destination, but whatever. The first leg of my epic was over.

The center itself was located in downtown SF - a place with a notoriously expensive area for parking. $17 dollars later, I found myself finding the passport center, explaining to the armed guards about my family situation and after receiving a number, sat in the waiting area to be called. I was #117. Now serving #61. *sigh*. By the way, did I mention those guards looked like marines from Iraq? I briefly contemplated if trying to get a visa to leave Iraq was easier than my situation and the number of times I had to pass an x-ray scanner manned by armed guards that morning...

Fortunately this story is happy. It took me *only* an hour and half to be called (for an american bureacracy, they broke the Warp barrier as far as I was concerned...).

"forms please"
"yes sir - here they are"
"family emergency? Your grandmother?"
"uhh... yes..." (how many people get an expedited passport for someone else's grandmother?!)
"ok, how will you be paying? We take cash, checks or all major credit cards" (I kinda felt like I was buying something from the QVC all of a sudden... apparently the State dept's business plan is like a used car salesman these days...)

After paying the fees, I was given a receipt and was told to come back at 4 to pick up my passport. I dumbfoundedly stared at the slightly bored looking bureacrat with greasy combed over hair.

"Pardon? Do I come back *this* afternoon? As in 5 hours from now?"
"yep"
"uhh... umm... ok... Is there anything else I need to sign or bring back?"
"nope - just that receipt, go to window #2"

I walked away uneasily from the passport center that morning - kinda dazed and not really comprehending what he said. Apparently I was going to get a passport afterall - and it looked like I could still make it to my wedding rehearsal.

After running some errands that day, I came back to the passport center at 3:30. Not surprisingly, there was a line outside the passport center that nearly was block long. Chatting with a friendly British guy infront of me for an hour and half, I finally was let into the center, picked up my passport and walked away - free to travel the world (according to current US travel regulations anyway...)

Total time spent: 3 hours. Things to know in case anyone is stuck in a situation like mine:

Bring old passport
Bring all forms filled out with a blue or black ink pen (preferably *your* pen - they don't seem to enjoy sharing pens to people...)
Bring a butt load of money for fees.
Tell them "Family Emergency"
Show them proof that you bought tickets to leave the country very very very very soon
Preferably make sure that you do actually have a family emergency - the NSA could always follow up on your status (we do live in a police state afterall...)

I got in the car and headed to the wedding. For those curious, the trip North to Mendocino from downtown SF started at 4:40 pm and ended with me finding the groom and bride at the ranch at 8:30 pm. The wedding was fun, the friends were still great and things ended happily every after.