Dude - how do I respond to THAT?!

The last week or so I've been in situations where someone said something that was incredibly hilarious, but I found myself biting my tongue despite having half a dozen things to say. It just so happens that they were all in appropriate. What would YOU have said in these situations:

1) Friend of a few years is telling me about her past dates. Out of the blue, she tells me how the last partner she was with loves to be with her. Her tone obviously hints at something sexual. She just kinda shrugs and tells me how no one really told her that the smell/taste of her partner is supposed to be unappealing and she doesn't mind it at all. TMI!

2) One of the lab manager's wife (who is a coworker of mine as well) and I were talking about how I was planning on cooking for Steph when she got home. Something light - told her the menu that I planned. She exclaims "you cook for her? WOW" where she immediately turns to her husband and says "see - you should follow Obi's example, otherwise I might run away with him" (jokingly of course). I felt I needed to joke it off, but what joke could I say without offending him/her/other coworkers who were chit chatting with us. I felt like I was parachuted into a minefield. I did what any good polite Japanese person would do: smile blankly and nodded my head.

3) while bouldering, Dan and I started climbing with this guy and girl. The girl sits down on a rock as she watches a couple of us work some moves on a problem. All of a sudden she lets out this yelp. The rest of us guys immediately turn to her as she looks mildly annoyed and then loudly proclaims, "An ant crawled into my shorts and bit me on the lip!". I don't even know this girl's name! I just met her 30 minutes prior to The Ant incident. If I knew her better and she was a "safe" friend, maybe - just maybe - I could have said one of about 8 things that flashed through my head. Even that was pushing it...

So ladies (b/c it seems like the ladies), unless you really want a lewd/crude comment from me (and I can be crude...), please keep your 1) culinary tastes 2) desires to use me as a dating example in front of my coworkers 3) bug bite problems on any spot I can't help you scratch, to yourselves PLEASE.

And for good measure - the same goes for the guys. Hermaphrodites are exempted.