Fireworks just fizzle for me

Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

Tonight is the 4th of July. Which means fireworks. And living in Solana Beach, I'm treated to a spectacular view of fireworks from the Del Mar Fairgrounds. Yet, all I did was watch it for all of 20 seconds before I was bored and went back inside.

It's not necessarily fireworks. It's most group festivities. I just don't find them interesting and I quickly get bored of them - fireworks, bar hopping, clubbing, musical shows, plays, etc. Anything that the "average" American finds interested in doing from time to time with the company of good friends or peers. I just get bored of them and hate feeling like I have to be fake to be out there.

Yet, I'm also strangely drawn to them. I still want to go, in case I miss out on something that perhaps I do actually enjoy this one time. Maybe it's the energy of the group that I feed off of - kinda like a good vibe that I get from the people. Whatever it is I still feel compelled to go (sidenote: I tend to stop myself because I know I'm just going to be bored and grumpy and therefore upset the people I'm with for appearing bored).

When I'm at these events, like tonight with the fireworks, I really REALLY try to enjoy what I'm watching. But it's not something that I really feel like I can get into - in fact, I feel emotionally flat while I sense myself trying to poke my inner feelings of pride, amazement, fun, and what have you to life. Unfortuantely, my inner feelings have sharp teeth and tend to bite the stick I'm poking it with in before it slumbers again.