Socially... awkward... ack!

Wow - tonight was an interesting night as far as being introverted and analytical goes.

One of my friends invited me to go "drinking" with him and some friends at a local brewery tonight. Little did I know I was roped into going to his friend's bday dinner - someone noticed it was 3 asian guys to about 6 white girls. In a sense, I was in heaven and hell both at the same time.

Why do you ask? Well - heaven... we don't need to cover that 'cept to say that all the girls there were very very attractive. Hell - b/c of who I am. That's the funny part. I am socially awkward (outside of climbing) to begin with. More so around girls (this I remembered...). So to be around girls who I don't know, I basically sat in the corner (literally) and listened to most people's stories and chimed in every once in a while. By the end, I was making polite casual conversation with two girls sitting on my side of the table (it was them and another asian guy... didn't want to be rude...).

Now here's the ineresting part: Was I truly feeling awkward b/c I was afraid of putting myself out there, or was I feeling awkward b/c I was attempting to force myself into talking with people I normally wouldn't have much interest talking to? They had few interesting things to say, but for the most part, I didn't find much intellectually stimulating. The honest truth probably lies somewhere in the middle - I was both afraid of being laughed at in a social situation while at the same time feeling fake by pushing myself talking to people I normally wouldn't and trying to look interested in topics that I didn't find interesting.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm even trying to force myself to talk to girls at this point. I think partially it's because I'm trying to convince myself that this is part of the fun of being single again. And I think partially it's because it's new and novel. Finally, I think the last bit is because I do get scared - but I enjoy wallowing in that sort of fear-that-does-not-harm i.e. talking to girls who don't matter in order to grow as a person and learn more about being social.

Actually, the most interesting thought I had tonight while I was in the shower (how's that for mental imagery for you readers?) was that I actually am interested in people. Yes - you heard it right - I am interested. You see, deep down, I think we are all the same scared individuals who want the same things: to be loved, to be the center of attention, to be accepted, to be the best. I think we all have the same fears too: rejection, loneliness, fear of change about the "good things" in life. What I really want to do is sit down and have intimate conversations with each person I meet and really peel back the layers of personal defenses that we've erected to shield ourselves from the horrors of "real life". What is it that they truly fear? How is this fear manifested? How did they become the person that they are? What are their goals? Their aspirations? Their dreams? Their favorite sexual position? How do they like to be kissed?

And so I come full circle in my thoughts: what drives me to throw myself into these socially awkward situations? I truly don't think it's because I want to try and sleep with these people (ok - girls, not people...). I think I miss having the level of intimacy with another human being - I find it fascinating. I think I've always been fascinated with what makes a person themselves. I wish I was more suave to be able to bring these answers out of people without them feeling alarmed / defensive / fearful of ridicule.

Ah oh well. Until then, I think I'm going to just have intimate conversations with myself to unravel who I am.