Wow - you're not real, are you?

I once read somewhere that wisdom is the ability to see past the self-imposed delusions of life. In most cases, I think that's very true - the wise leader can see past the petty squabbles and the glory to their own ego to do what is best for the group instead of doing what they want to believe is good for the group. A wise lover sees past that which they want to see instead of believing in that which they desire.

I'm definitely not a wise lover, but I did become aware this morning of how in my life there is the steph that I want to love and miss and the steph who is there. There's a part of me that wants so desperately to cling to that person who is loving, selfless, fun, intelligent and vibrant. But the Steph that I can call up or email is no longer these things to me - her role in my life no longer carries these labels.

I think it helps me get over Steph to recognize the fact that whenever I start missing her, it's not Steph that I'm missing, but rather the girlfriend that I want that I'm missing. It's this illusory figure that my feelings are latched onto now, along with all the "what ifs" and "but it could be...".

In other news, I need to stay away from girls. I can't help but feel like I'm about to lose myself and shower my attention on a cute girl when they walk past. Sigh - the problems (benefits?) to working on a university campus - there's approximately 10,000 young girls from the ages of 18 - 22, along with the couple thousand other graduate students, as well as the young professionals that work as staff. I'm so screwed (not literally! yet...)