Not sure how to feel anymore...

Wow - so much going on lately that I can't keep track of it all. Let's start at the beginning - that's always a good spot.

This weekend was spent in Black Mtn again. Can't say that I did anything spectacular, other than a clean ascent of the Visor Lip and some progress on Pink Crack. I'm actually able to move to the slopey last hold before the lip - I've never gotten there before. Also, the height nevered bothered me - I didn't even think twice about falling the dozen times or so that I kept trying.

Black mtn was Dan's idea. He knew I needed to be forcefully pulled away from San Diego where thoughts of Steph would invariably get me depressed. To that end, it was neither good nor bad - in hindsight, it just was. There's multiple reasons why I feel this way. The experience of the weekend was good, but there was some awkwardness with the crew, Steph and her crew were in Black Mtn for a day and I think I just need to rest mentally.

Aside from the climbing, I got to know Dan, Johnnie and Scott a little better - always awesome. They're all good people. Dan was cool enough to buy some cheap wine and a bottle of rum for the weekend. The bottle was evenly split between me and Dan while I polished off nearly half the bottle of rum on my own during the chatting around the fire. I can't say I remember everythng that was said, but my friends assure me that nothing embarrassing was said and I was just really kinda happy, chatty and open (according to Dan, that wasn't really any different than when I'm sober...). I think the most embarrasing thing I probably said aloud was "I don't think I should see any girl right now because I'd such a manky date". That was a thought I wasn't really going to say aloud... oh well.

Seeing Steph was an interesting experience. I can't say for her, but I was fine seeing her. Talking to her was a pleasure - in some strange way, I feel like we were really talking and connecting eye-to-eye. Granted, the short, civil talks centered around beta (that's climber talk for "help"/advice) about climbing, but whatever. I think our mutual friends felt more at ill ease than we did.

Unfortunately, on the drive back to San Diego, I started missing her. And to be honest, it's not for any spark that I feel now for her - I've realized that my love her wasn't a passionate one. She's definitely special, and will always stay that way. But I don't feel like she was "the one" for me. Still, I missed her company and having someone in my life to talk about the little things on my mind and daily happenings. I missed being able to connect with someone so well. I missed the idea of having a girlfriend. This is why I realize that although it was a great pleasure to see Steph and talk to her as a fellow climber, I don't want to see her anytime soon again. I need time to untangle these connections and my feelings about her role in life from who she is as a person. Hope that makes sense.