The most non-awkward bouldering crew e-v-e-r.

Bouldering in jtree has been so much fun lately - more so with the right crew. As much as I love to do things solo, I feel bouldering is one of those things that builds a sense of camaraderie, encouragement and teamwork (if you can get past the sense of frustration, despair, self-loathing and fear...).

So my crew this past Sat was a mostly girls' team comprised of me, Johnnie and Steph. Yes - Johnnie and Steph. Two out of a small handful of people in this world who have seen me naked in bed. Was that odd? Only if I thought about it for too long - jumping on boulders and letting the painful bite of jtree rock pierce your skin keeps that from happening too much :)

Fortunately, both women have come to me separately and told me that they were glad they went - and that there was no awkwardness at all. Johnnie tells me that she senses no attraction between steph and I - that we seem like old friends. Steph tells me that never felt like the third wheel and had so much fun climbing with johnnie and I.

I love both of their energies on the rock. I love being around a mature set of people that can jump into the purity of bouldering without letting stupid romantic pasts / current situations affect it. And I might add - I like being around a mostly female bouldering group (he he he).

Now the only thing that would be a really funny situation is if the two of them become climbing partners. There was talk between the two ladies that they would start climbing with each other at the local gym - I just hope they don't start swapping embarrassing stories about me...

Really quick - sends: Thingamajig (5.9), some slopey boulder problem (V2), gunsmoke (again - V2/V3), got further on Pigpen (V4) and High Noon (V5)

It's been over 2 weeks now since my brother passed away. It's been a week since his funeral, and 6 days since his cremation. Somehow, I thought that things get easier with time, but I find that it's not always the case. Some memories are fading away along with the sharp edge of emotion that go along with them. Others are becoming stronger - some are distorted and warped while others are clear reproductions of things that have happened over these 2 weeks.

I sit here at my desk and find myself staring off into nothingness from time to time. Some of these memories that are sharp interject into my conscious flow of thoughts - like the wailing of my mom during our "visitation" with the body, the way my sister felt in my arms as we held each other, the sunken look on my brother's face in the casket... I suppose it's all normal, but it's still unnerving nonetheless.

The most unnerving part of this ordeal is facing these wild mood swings. I try to keep my mood stable and intact around others but in my private moments, especially while I sit alone at work, I feel my emotions swaying to and fro. One moment I'm calm, and the next is a deep despair. The most unnerving of all moods are the anxiety and paranoia - I'm aware that these moods are stirring and recognize the irrational nature of them, but I can't get them to stop. I'm not anxious or paranoid about anything at all - they're both just a general state of uneasiness that makes it hard to focus.

Times like this I try to remember a few teachings from Zen, including one from the minister: "Why did he die? Simple - because he was born. Just like the rest of us". I believe the Buddha once said that everything is impermanent and our own human tendencies to become attached to things that are impermanent causes our distress. If nothing else, I'm trying to walk away from this experience realizing how the nature of everything is impermanent - that one day everything will end and be gone from our lives. On the surface, it appears to be a grim message, but I think that knowing things will end will helps us (and me especially) to NOT take the things that bring joy to us for granted. We'll have to wait and see if I take this lesson to heart.

I wish I could think of a clever title for this post...

Like a Phoenix that rises from the ashes, so too will this blog! Muah ha ha. Unfortunatley, usually with the Phoenix, it dies first to be reborn - much like reincarnation.

And just like that analogy, there is a death to report. I wish I could joke around and say that I killed off one of my other blogs (myspace perhaps?), but in reality my brother passed away on Jan 29, 2007. He was only 20.

I want to give my sincere thanks to all of you who have come to my, or my family's, need. It sounds so cliche to say that there is a lot of gratitude to all those who have helped during this difficult time, but it really is true. I'm not going to name anyone b/c I'm going to forget somebody (as is usually the case with my memory)... besides, the list keeps growing everyday.

So - what am I feeling? What am I thinking these days? I really wish I could say for certain. I have my good moments and my bad moments. I have the times when I get angry with my brother for dying, and I have my moments when I miss him dearly. Were we close? Does it matter? We were brothers.

I definitely don't regret the way our relationship worked the last few years. I feel guilty about some of the crap I used to give him as his older brother when we were younger, but as johnnie points out - it's what brothers do.

A few buddhist thoughts on the matter have been interesting for me about all of this: 1) The minister offered this answer to the question "why did he die?": it's because he was born. 2) You really shouldn't wish him back - it apparently makes his soul hesitate in reincarnating and moving on and traps him back to our life. Not that I particular believe in #2, but it's an intersting thought for the rest of us to have as we grieve...

I'm sure in the days following, I'mm going to make more posts (and hopefully ones that are a little more coherent). I only hope that no one else has to go through this.