Oh REI - the bane of my financial future!!! I shake my fist at thee!

... at least my fists are full of new shiny gear. :)

Dropped nearly 300 dollars today, mostly in preparation for this weekend of Death and Doom and Destruction, with a little misery mixed in (just a pinch!). Not entirely sure what I bought - I wish I could say armloads, but as any good gear for backpacking should be, it's all light and compact. That means it all fit into a small man-purse sized bag.

I'm happy though. This weekend is going to be an adventure with Robb and Dan. I'm honestly expecting to die of altitude sickness, but at least I'll die with a smile.

I also realized that Robb's diabolical plan is coming to fruition - normally, the significant other inherits the gear when a climber dies. However, in case of single status, the climbing partner is the default recipient of said climber's gear. All he has to do is wait for an opportune moment for Dan... in one fell swoop he can triple his gear count! E-V-I-L!!!

Give me liberty or give me death!... actually, just give me death and I'll be happy...

Tentatively: 3 day trip up Bear Creek Spire in the Sierra Nevadas.

This should be exciting. I've never done a serious backpacking trip, never done a technical climb at altitude, never BEEN at altitude (13,700 ft... that's 4180 m for you non-American readers). Absolutetly stunning. I'm going with my buddy Robb - an Alaskan native with some experience in high altitude terrain.

So what's with the title of this post? A combination of recent events has lead me to be dangerously curious with death. I've never really faced death before. I can summon a powerful simulacrum of Death facing me down and ready to take my life - but simulations can only take you so far. I'm currently desiring to be placed in that absolute most uncomfortable zone.

Why do you ask? All things are impermanent - it's a fact. I feel like absorbing the concept of Death into the very marrow of my bones is a wonderful spiritual opportunity. Second, having sent Where Boneheads Dare has brought to light how I enjoy exploring my mortal fear. It brings about a quiet and immediate awareness to life. Third, somehow, somewhere over the last couple of weeks, I've lost that subtle awareness to life and am stuck in a rut. Fourth, I simply want to test my limits to their very edge.

It's not that I want TO die... I want to explore a very real possibility of death out in the mountains. Something about placing myself in an unforgiving environment has a unique call to me.

This brings to mind something else - someone recently asked me that it takes a certain level of courage to open myself up to the cyber-community. I just shook my head and disagreed. Part of the truth (it's always a part... remember that...) is that I am involved in a dangerous hobby - this blog is partly a testament to who I am at this point in my life. I hope that if I'm no longer of this world, it sheds some truth to my actions. Some of the blogs are laced with hints about my intentions to specific people - just so there's no misunderstandings.

Honestly, things should be fine. my friend did it in 13 hours car->peak->car. I'm taking 3 days to do it. I'm with an experienced partner. I'm honestly not that worried (now this is the point where everyone is carefully considering whether I'm telling the truth or telling them something less honest...).

Death is such an interesting topic... so exciting!!!! woo hoo! Party at my corner of hell!!! I'll bring the demons, alcohol and prostitutes!!!!!

Crappy week for all...

I don't know what it is this past week and half, but seems like everyone and their grandmother is having the crappiest week in their life. Let's take stock:

I've got one friend who had to break up with a great love of their life
another whose abstract is due on sat and is still stressing about not having it done
another whose experiment is basically on the crapper b/c of malicious incompetence,
another friend who has lost a love and their car in one week
And finally we have climbing legend John Bachar with a broken neck due to a car accident.

Sh!tty.

What about me? Nothing serious in the grand scheme of things - especially relative to my friends. But this week has been a tumultuous trip down a very very fast paced river in an inner tube... bumpy, wet, exhausting and sometimes getting sucked into the currents and getting stuck in the same rough loop till it decides to spit you out. I'm feeling the need to escape and refresh my soul with something new and exciting...

Q$WTAFq23$!#2

Ever have one of those days where you just want to sit and not talk? Listening is fine - but not want to converse and hold a dialogue?

Yeah - me too.

female abstinence?

If there is a single force in this universe that can knock me flat on my back and cause me to struggle to regain my footing, it's got to be women. Wondering where I stand with a particular girl, where things are with a particular girl, where things are going, and finally dealing with all the messy trimmings after a breakup. I've been talking about my girl problems with my friends so much that *I'm* getting fed up hearing about it!

So my options at this point are:

a) abstain from women
b) continue throwing myself to the lions and see how I fare

Option "a" has its merits. It gives me space to heal, some space to regrow who I am, and gives me time to build a better balanced foundation for when I'm ready. I'm a digital person - on or off. I can either think about them, or put them completely away in my mind. If I know I'm abstaining, I start viewing flirtations as friendly chats, the people suddenly become a single unified gender, and I approach breakups with a certain level of stoicism.

Option "b" obviously has its own merits. Aside from the obvious "Obi, you should get some ass" (not particularly interested anymore) merit, there's the enjoyment of indulging in a woman's company, feeling uninhibited, and the potential for a very very nice relationship (whether dating or otherwise).

On top of that, I've recently realized that I ENJOY being placed in a position of extreme discomfort - it's where I usually grow as a person. The angst, the misery and the frustrations are all lessons that act as catalysts for a bigger better Obi-tron 3000.

So basically, do I run away from women or do I stick it out and learn how to better deal with women? Do I stay or do I go now? I know if I go there will be trouble. I konw if I stay it will be double... (love the oldies!)

Well, this also assumes that I get a chance to interact with a girl in that fasion anyway... but that's just a very small minor detail...

bday ideas...

I want this:

http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/silent/male
http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/stewartcolbert/male

The walk down memory lane is all uphill

I am so exhausted. I went to a two-day 10 yr high school reunion this weekend in LA, and the time was spent getting to know old friends all over again, reminiscing, talking about old friends who didn't show up and the like. All in all, it felt like I had hiked a 10 mile trail uphill.

Allow me to say that it was an extremely pleasant ordeal. I had envisioned only recognnizing one or two people recognizing me - with my friend Eitetsu being one of those people. I had entered high school at the 10th grade, while most everyone there started from the 4th grade, so I was positive that the memory of me was very faint relative to everyone else. As a side note, I did get one (and only one!) "did you graduate with us?" question. he he he.

It was really fun to catch up with those who we lost contact with. It was nice to see that the friends I had have all become people of substance.

However, I'm not a person who dwells on the past very often. Not only that, my memory is usually pretty hazy to begin with. So for me to try and recall these events and shared experiences for several hours was so taxing on me mentally.

I sometimes question my methods of living my life - in particular, this weekend questioned the methods in which I let go of the past to move on. I don't think I'm doing anything "wrong" per se, but I wonder if it can't be refined better. It's not that I shy away from my past, but I just don't spend much time or effort latching on.

And when I do latch onto my memories, I find it disturbing that I'm missing out on so much around me. *sigh* - I have to admit that even now I'm latched onto a memory that was evoked and I'm trying so hard to let it go. I wonder if I should or if I should sequester myself into a room and fully embrace / relive it like a Gollum and the ring in his cave...

Don't mind me if I lose all my hair and sit hunched back in the corner...

Cooking 101

Lesson number 1: always remember that electric stoves cook differently than gas stoves. *sigh*.

I had a friend over for dinner last night to get back into the habit of making dinner (something about having a guest over makes me want to cook). I had the ingredients prepared, the menu set and was ready to cook. What was I making?

Stir fried Japanese peppers (shishito)
Sake Braissed enoki mushrooms
braised shiitake mushrooms
rice
dad's teriyaki chicken

So first off, I haven't cooked in a while. So I was a little slow in getting going. I drove my guest home with me from work so she was polite enough to stand there and make conversation while I ran around the kitchen like a confused and lost climber in the middle of Kansas. Second, things on the electric stove don't cook quite the same as a gas stove. I remember it took me about 3 years to finally make decent food off of an electric stove, and I completely lost my touch. So what ended up happening is that the peppers were overly burnt and soy sauce carmelized, the enoki looked like a stack of hay instead of their normal succulent glazed look, and the shiitake was a little dry.

What about the chicken? I had a freak out hours before dinner when it hit me: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK CHICKEN!!!! Plus, looking over the recipe again, I realized I should have gotten the chicken with the skin on it (apparently it helps maintain the moisture) instead of the skinless stuff. So here I was, cooking everything else and leaving the chicken for last. When I finally had to deal with it, I spent a few minutes staring at it and thinkin: "ok chicken - you don't like me, and I sure as hell don't like you, but let's just get through this and you can go into my belly without delay..."

Fortunately my friend was once again nice enough to be patient, gave me some pointers on chicken and all was successful! woo hoo! Still sorta dry, but whatever.

All in all, I didn't like dinner. In fact, I was a little ashamed. In fact, I was mortified that I was feeding my friend this dried out, crap. I can do better, damn it! My samurai honor will not let me live this down!!! I will seek out my vengence on the chicken again! Who wants to come over for round 2? :)

Flight of the Courier

Played on "Flight of the Courier" yesterday at Black Mtn - a long time project of mine. Moves are powerful and pretty big: sit start on a sloper and a crimp, up to an underclinging pinch, reset the right hand crimp, bump to another underclinging pinch (with a plag as the key thumb), right heel hook and then the "flight" - a long move with the right hand to a key crimp.

After several attempts, I was able to do the "flight" move for the first time (from a stand start and not the full problem!!! doh!). It was almost too easy that one time I set my mind in the right framework to latch the hold. I haven't been able to do the move since.

I have to admit that latching the hold was pleasantly surprising - the usual feelings of sated joy welled up from within when I realized that I was able to expand the limits of climbing again. However, I wasn't ecstatic like I was on Pink Crack or Where Boneheads Dare - in fact, I was slightly troubled.

It's taken me all morning to work out why I was feeling somewhat concerned about being able to make such a hard move. I finally realized that what was bothering me WAS the mindset. To be able to make the move, I brought forth such an intense swirl of energy that it was overwhelming. After I physically set up for the "flight" I thought to myself: no falling. More than that, I recalled every ounce of frustration, anger, desire and hate that I could muster and focused it all into a perfect harmony of movement between my arms and legs to get to the key hold. In short, it was a burst of nearly murderous intent that flowed through me to get where I needed to go. What concerns me is that I'm capable of that level of passionionate energy.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense to anyone other than myself, even if the person reading this is a climber or not. Climbs at Black Mtn require a certain level of aggression and internal focus. I've just never been able to bring myself to that level before - I've never felt so intensely lost in my feelings, especially when they're directed towards a singular goal. I've never been so aggressively driven towards a single point that it's unsettling.

I want to climb Flight of the Courier again and explore my capacity for this level of mental focus again. I'm oddly terrified and strangely drawn towards this kind of self-exploration.

how quickly the times do change...

I've noticed something recently that I've found amusing. People in general, seem to automatically assume that the people around them are to some extent static in nature. What do I mean? Do I mean they will shock you when they walk across high carpeting? No. I mean that I've noticed that in some of my conversations, I've heard people try and figure out what / where anothe person is coming from, formulate an idea, and then be bewildered when the other person exhibits behavior almost 180 degees from what the idea they formulated.

Still confused? It's ok - so am I.

For example: Let's say boy meets girl. boy kinda likes girl, but hesitates. girl seems to show interest in boy. boy takes some time to think about situation with girl. boy thinks "ok - I'm interested in girl". boy meets girl again at later time. girl does not seem to show interest in boy. boy is confused. (In case anyone is wondering, boy does NOT equal Obi. At least in this situation ;) ).

The next thing I hear is "waaaah. she's so weird - all of a sudden, she's not enjoying my company. Girls are weird!". It's only once in a while that people stop and think "maybe the girl lost interest b/c the boy wasn't showing interest".

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people forget one of the biggest definintive aspects of life and this universe: things change. Sometimes for no apparent reason, and sometimes for reasons beyond our awareness.

Frustration

What's the most frustrating thing I've attempted? Is it Visor Direct (V6)? Big Greeney, the scary highball of Black Mtn? Trying to flirt with girls?

Honestly, those are nothing compared to my sitting practice. People ask me how I can stay so mellow about climbs - not being able to get to the top of a boulder is easy to take compared with trying to count your breaths. Gareardfadfareaerafda!!!!!!

Love

In a recent conversation with a friend, the topic of love came up. What is it? What does it feel like - you know, all the usual questions that 92% of the population comes up with.

What do I think it is? For me it's many things, but I think one of the purest forms of love is another incarnation of trust. Love of family, friends, significant others - I think one of the common elements I find is this pure and absolute trust. An ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open.

It's a pity that we all have to be so guarded emotionally. I can't say in "today's world" - I think people have always had to be guarded and suspicious at all times. We've all experienced backstabs, pains and sufferings from all sorts of people and situation.

I have to admit that it's hard for me to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable. nearly 30 years of experiences have shown me that life is cruel and painful (buddha's 1st noble truth?). But what a thrill it is when you find yourself in the company of those who you can open the gates of your spirit and let the feelings, words and thoughts all flow out without fear of reprieve. People whom I can feel this way are incredibly attractive, me thinks.

Yet another fantastic black mtn weekend

Headed out to Black Mtn again this weekend - just 4 of us camping (myself, Dan, Lyra and Rob) with Larry and Erin meeting us on Sunday.

Fantastic climbing - weather was perfect, the group was fun, and the booze was flowing. :)

It felt similar to the good old days of when I was single and workign at the OCC, climbing with the Rat House or other OCC staff and having a blast. The campfire conversations on life, relationships and intimate questions on ourselves I think was the key point to this weekend. I think we were up till 3 am talking and having a great time sharing the rum, beer and gatorade ;)

As for the sends, my accomplishment this weekend was Where Boneheads Dare. A tall and bold line on one of the taller boulders at Boulder Basin campgrounds, it faces the rest of the campgrounds. Starts on a good crescent edge and some careful foot smears, lends itself to a crimpy slope several feet above. After establishing on the hold, a mantle and a balancy stance prepares one for technically easier moves, but with phenomonally intense climbing. This was the moment I sought in climbing.

This blog is partially about the thoughts I have, the things I do and my search for the perfect climb. On this day, Where Boneheads Dare was it. After the V5 moves were over, I immediately went into the "zone". I had to. it's a 20 to 30' high boulder. Although it's a fairly clean fall, I knew that I had to put myself on the absolute edge of climbing pefection for me so I wouldn't be injured.

Every move I made for the next 15 to 25 feet was intense concentration. At one point, I climbed 10 feet up, only to start losing my nerve and had to reverse the 10' of progress I made to a good rest. One of the finest experiences on this climb was being able to focus on the moment and let the fear pass through me. I felt almost as if the fear was affecting another person as I patiently made each move perfect. The balance, the strength and my mental state were all pushed to high gear as I forced myself NOT to fall. Period.

The top third of the climb, I could feel myself thinking "it's ok if you fall. No one will hold it against you". That's when my "samurai spirit" kicked in and started yelling/grunting/screaming/kiai with every move. Like I said, no move was harder than the first V5 moves, but each scream was like an exorcism of my fear. And after each scream - and successful latch of a hold - I felt refreshed and light, as if I emerged from a meditation practice.

I think what I'm trying to say is that Where Boneheads Dare was a milestone in my climbing because it was so much more of a headgame for me. It allowed me to test my abilities - technical, strength and most of all mental. Not only did it test my climbing abilities, but it also tested my capability to punch through adversity. Plus I felt like I grew somehow from this experience - I have positive reinforcement that I can persevere through such an intense experience. On top of it all, I felt like I had a moment of clarity durng the 3 minutes of climbing - I felt peaceful, settled and most of all that this wasn't my absolute limit. I felt like I had opened my inner eye and realized that what I thought was personal limit was only an illusion - and that the real wall for my abilities was much further beyond the boundaries of what I was doing at this point in my life.

In other words, I've grown and realized that I'm capable of even more inner power.

That's Kewl. That's right - with a capital "K".

Obi art

The following picture is what happens when friends put silly ideas in my head and I have too much time on my hands. I call it "Obi having climbed Pink Crack at Black Mountain, as imagined by Johnnie". I dont' know what it is - therefore must be art.



The next bit is what happens when someone turns their hamster into a fighting hamster. Must also be art (see definition above)

What's the goal again?

I keep wondering one thing with this Israel-Hezbollah conflict:

What's the latest update with the kidnapped Israeli soldier?

Supposedly this entire thing started 'cause an Israeli soldier was kidnapped and was going to be shuttled around to different Arab states. "Don't leave a man behind!" motto is something I can kinda understand, so fine. But after the first 48 hours, I haven't heard squat about this guy's condition, location or attempts to find him. For all we know, Israel could have put him under 30 ft of rubble in Lebanon.

This kinda reminds me of Iraq - "Where's Osama? We want him! Quick - take out Iraq at all costs!!!!". Or that South Park episode:

"We gnomes are going to be rich. Here's our plan:
Step 1: steal underpants
Step 2: ???
Step 3: make profit"

WTF?! Am I missing something here?!

I didn't need that did I?

I think I'm still sleepy after 5 hours of sleep and 4 cups of stout - I nearly walked out of my house this morning without any pants on. That would have been embarrassing showing up to Johnnie's:

"Hey Johnnie, thanks for making me breakfast. What? Oh - you're right.. I have no f'in pants on! Hmm... isn't this the part that I wake up from this nightmare?"

Awkward.

Labels are funny

Lately I've been spending more time thinking (you get a lot of time doing that when you're single, I've found...), especially about who I am and what I mean to both myself and to others.

The most intersting part about this is what others have to say about me. I've heard the following about me:

nice
weird, in a "good" way
a good routesetter
a mystic

That last one was the funniest. I don't mean to but I suppose I come off as sounding "mystic" sometimes. I wish I could do some scrying wih a crystal ball - I'd never see the light of day b/c I'd just be watching what other people are/would be doing all day long. It's like reality TV for free... sorta...

I do often wonder what other people think of me. Ratoinally it really shouldn't matter, but I still want to know. I really hate being socially rejected, I've discovered, and I usually like to have an idea of where I tend to stand with people. The most fascinating part I think is that no matter what I do, I always seem to come off as "nice" - whether I truly feel friendly or I feel like I wish to be more than friends. I guess I shouldn't complain - it's a nice trait to have when meeting the "in-laws". :)