I'm annoying myself again

When I don't climb for long periods of time, I start to lose it - emotionally and mentally that is. Usually what happens is that I get more depressed, more antsy, more weirder and then the worst - I get more whiny and obnoxious.

I realized I was doing that last bit this mornign when I was talking to my roommate. She was talking about plans tonight for a friend's send off and I immediately started whining when there was dancing involved (I DO NOT dance. I sulk at clubs.). Then I started whining about swimming in the ocean tonight and how it could hurt my shoulder / wrist (whining: I think it might hurt. I don't want it to hurt. I'm avoiding physical exertion on my joints till they're ready for a calculated ramp up in rehabilitation so I can climb!). And then I started whining in my head about how I have a bachelor's party this weekend to go to and how expensive it will be (~$40-$60) when I could just drive out for another backpacking trip in jtree (california riding and hiking trail!).

All this whining was annoying the hell out of me. It's like having an obnoxious whiny little kid brother who wants to tag along but complain all the time. The only problem is, I can't ditch this obnoxious L.B. - he lives in my head when he doesn't climb.

I can see three things out of this ordeal:

1) it's really tempting to be continually drunk or drugged (which helps me empathize with alcoholics and drug addicts) just to shut this voice out

2) They say you get irritated at others for exhibiting the things you hate about yourself (whether you realize you have these traits or not). So true in my case.
Corollary: I hate little sorority princesses for this reason. If I could, I'd gouge their little eyes out with hot burning coals and feed their tongues to my demonic half-dog half-bat pet.
Corollary2: this is an example of how much weirder I get when I don't climb

3) I desperately need to find something that I find motivating, is physically exhaustive, rewarding and mentally stimulating to substitute for climbing - just to shut this little f*cker of a voice up.

Thank you, Senor Chavez

Today is Cesar Chavez day. The UC Regents have seen fit to give us UC employees the day off.

Thank you Mr Chavez - thank you very much. For that, you have my gratitude - which I will show by buying grapes. Or was it not to buy grapes... maybe it was wine. No... it was definitely grapes. Maybe he was talking figuratively how the latinos were being squashes like grapes under the feet of the oppressive wine makers.

No, that wasn't it either...

In any case, I think I'm going to go play Halo and then go into work later today.

I'm sooooo poor

Being an outdoor enthusiast is the devil's secret method for keeping you poor. No really. You can see his tell tale signs b/c he occasionally calls outdoors areas "Devil's XXXXX" or "El DIABLO!". Yes. Just trust me on this.

I went to REI AND Road Runner sports tonight. Bad idea for my credit card.

I've been wanting to run so first stop - Road Runner sports. For those of you who don't know, I have flat, wide feet. If I had webbed toes, I'd have perfect paddles for the water. I could be lashed down to the backs of rafts or kayaks and be paid $15/ hr plus food to paddle people around La Jolla Cove. yeah.... but I digress. Anyways, I b/c of this, buying shoes is hard. Even at Road Runner Sports, they only had two options for me. Grey or Blue. I got grey.

Next stop: REI. I went backpacking in jtree a few weekends ago and decided to return my Gregory Forester pack b/c it cut into my shoulders and gave me wicked bruises. Originally, I planned on gettting something similiar (4000 cu/in for backpacking supplies for a weekend plus potential climbing gear). Instead, I ended up falling in love with the suspension system on an Arc'Teryx Bora 80. The cashier dude was cool and let me use a 20% coupon for the second time on this purchase. All said and done, I had to pay an additional 80 dollars (after the store credit from the return and 20% off) so I don't feel TOO bad. But I might edit this entry (specifically that last sentence) after I see my credit card bill.

Old:

Gregory Forester

Shiny Upgrade:

Arc'Teryx Bora 80

Go!

It's not so much that each moment is changing. Rather, it's that the moment, the "present", is what we're in and every object, person, and event is changing
Zencast.org

I don't know why that quote struck a note in me tonight. But it did and the drive home while listening to the rest of the podcast by Zencast.org was quite intense.

And then I started to think about my Go games. Yes, that's right - I play Go these days instead of going to the climbing gym. I was going to write more about Go and some self reflections, but decided to hit the "delete" key b/c it was too preachy. Don't need that here. Nope. None of that. Moving along moving along (GET ON WITH IT!).

Anyways, it's been fun. I've been dreaming about Go board setups, tsumegos (mini Go puzzles to help with real games), and the mental state I need to play it - as much as I did with climbing. They say that Go requires the same dedication and intense focus that martial arts masters exhibit. I'd like to make an footnote and say that it requires the same level of focus as climbing - so it's perfect for me right now!

It's too bad I'm not getting the same physical workout as climbing. I might actually start running outdoors per suggestions by others (buy running shoes that fit my floppy flat wide feet, run on grass, etc) to compensate.

Yeah I know - me. Running. What am I turning into?!

Jtree Backpacking

Went to jtree for backpacking this weekend - 3rd time EVER (the other two times don't really count since they were for climbing purposes and short "hikes"). Boyscout trail, the easiest trail in the world... as long as you don't lose your way and turn a downhill class 1 trail into 4th class weirdness with a pack. The NPS website reports 16 miles for the trail. However, that's only true if you backpack from one end of the trail to the other, and then back again to where you initially started - in other words, it's an 8 mile trail. *doh*

We originally were going to hike the trail one way, thinking that it was 16 miles long. We left a car at each end of the trail when we started. But after discovering our mistake, we decided to just backtrack, in effect hiking 16 miles total. The first day we hiked 11 miles, starting from the Park, to Indian cove where the other car was and then back up the trail 3 miles or so. Ended up camping just outside of a wash thing in a really nice flat area Steph found.

So my findings on backpacking: I had a great time this time around, but I'm still not certain if it can take the place of climbing (since I'm injured, I'm looking for other things to do till I heal). I'd like to do one more relatively easy trail to see if this is something I'll have fun doing. I do know that I was a little sad when I saw the end in sight (my car parked by the bathrooms).

Bad findings: I need to find a better way to avoid getting blisters. After about 2 or 3 miles in on the first day, I started developing blisters. I've developed blisterse before after about a mile of downhill hiking before so I brought along sock liners and wore wool socks to wick away the moisture. But the damnable things developed - on both feet! Double doh! My average speed: approximately a little over 1 mile an hour on flat terrain (about 5 miles covered in 4 hours from my estimates).

Corollary: I get injured no matter what I do. Despite the fact that I don't really feel sore (either that or I just don't realize it - see previous posting), I developed a blister on both feet (same spot on the same respective toe in fact). And since I had to compensate so I could hike the full remaining 13 miles or so with blisters, I had to change the way I walk. This involved basically walking without using my toes for walking. Even more, I had to keep my toes lifted while I walked and so now the bottoms of my heels both ache from taking the brunt of the hiking punishment. At this rate, I'll be in a full body cast watching rerun episodes of Alias by June. Hmm... I suppose it could be worse... mmm Jennifer Garner...

Bad findings2: backpacking with a poorly fitted backpack causes bruises. Also a cause for injury. (jennifer Garner, here I come)

Bad findings3: having slept for appx. 12 hours on the first night (it was COLD!), my sleep schedule is now out of phase with the rest of the normal community. I'm sitting here blogging at 2 am, hungry and cold.

...
...
...

after some thought, I'm confused as to why I'm hungry and cold in my own apartment. Maybe i still think I'm backpacking...

Good findings: I truly enjoy the time I was hiking completely alone. Since I was walking at a painfully slow gait, my partners couldn't keep up with me. Or I suppose it's called me not being able to keep up with them, so most of the time, Steph and Taryn would be out of sight (on more or less flat terrain mind you). Despite waves of melancholy, by the second day my time alone can only be described as peaceful bliss. I've only felt that level of quiet peace meditating in private. I loved it. Not to mention the sense of serenity that I got from some of the scenery.

Corollary: I'm more a loner than I thought - this will be a future posting. This one is getting too long anyways, even for me.

Good findings2: no serious problems to report. Perfect amount of water, food and warmth was brought on this trip. Pack was a little heavy, but I think I can shave the weight down by figuring out a more efficient layering system (at one point, I wore 5 top laters and 3 bottom layers to keep warm). No death and destruction! yeah! I think it's always a good day when no one dies (coincidentally, that's my goal each day I leave my house).

My new hero

http://www.askaninja.com

Strombad meets Ninjas of the Night. 'Nuff said.

How to open a coconut

These are the steps you take to open a coconut. I've personally tested and perfected them myself tonight:

1. shake coconut to confirm existence of milk
   
2. find a relatively heavy knife
   
3. find a steak knife, or other knife with a serrated edge
   
4. attempt to poke a hole with a knife (note: multiple pokes may be required)
   
5. attempt to open a hole with bare hands
   
6. give up both attempts and think of plan "C"
   
7. poke around while periodically shaving off the outside layers of fibers until reaching the hard shell
   
8. marvel at own genius as you find a naturally formed hole at the bottom of the coconut. Presume hole is formed by stalk. Stop thinking at this point and continue work.
   
9. drain of milk
   
10. once sufficiently drained, attempt to rip open coconut with burly climber fingers (if climber fingers are not handy, call local climber over. Entice with free coconut flesh)
    
11. when exhausted, poke around some more
    
12. strategizerize
    
13. find a hammer and attempt brute force method
    
14. become further exhausted
    
15. swear loudly and often
    
16. look up an easy way to get at coconut flesh/inside on google
    
17. impress girlfriend by confidently striking coconut around the circumference with the blunt end of heavy knife (opposite of the sharp side) until coconut loudly cracks in your hand. (impressing girlfriend is not guaranteed)
    
18. serve both halves of coconut in bowl and provide spoons
    
19. eat
    

Am I hurting myself?

I discovered yesterday that I have been afflicted with painful injuries for so long that I no longer remember what it's like without them.

It occurred to me when I was sitting at my workstation and absent mindedly stretching my wrist. Then I couldn't tell if I was stretching it too far, or if I damaging more tissue. Then I thought about all the pain I was currently experiencing and realized that I had pains EVERYWHERE. Not just at injury points, but everywhere on my body. I couldn't remember if this was new due to age or if it was all there and I just never paid them any attention.

In any case, I had a few minutes of a panic as I didn't know what the "normal" level of pain threshold was. Should I cry out? Should I keep a stiff upper lip? Should I complain about my pains and see a doctor? Or are these pains and aches what everyone also feels and they just don't realize it?

At this point, my joint injuries are blurring the lines between good and bad pain. Good pain being pains such as muscle fatigue from working out and bad pains being... well... injuries. I'm starting not to be able to tell the difference in my shoulder or my wrist - is it supposed to feel that way? Or is this abnormal?

This is going to make it a little difficult to ascertain whether I'm healed or not... hmmm...

Maybe I can just get a new cybernetic body like Darth Vader and say to hell with my current body. The warranty is expiring anyway.

Nervous Fear ... subsiding...

Back from the afternoon of jtree climbing. Steph lead Moosedog Tower (south route?) - a 5.9, 3 pitch climb (3 pitches due to rope drag mostly... ). 2.5 stars in my book out of 5. A few memorable moves here and there, but nothing incredibly spectacular.

What was noteworthy is my fear - or rather lack of fear of being on rope. It didn't occur to me like it has before - that I was on a rope. More importantly, all of the "what ifs" never entered my mind as I climbed. I just climbed as well as I could being half-gimpy. 200 ft, plus a Class 2 walk across the exposed top to the rappel anchors. Not to mention a stupidly exposed rappel over an overhanging edge (for all you non-climbers: it means dangling in space with only the rope while the wall grows increasingly farther away the further you rappel... a most "unnerving" situation, especially when a spin is induced. Nothing can stop the spin.. spin .. spin... spin... )

This is good news and bad news. Obviously it's good b/c it's a sign that my fear of roped climbing is subsiding and it's not completely paralyzing. It's bad bad news b/c I didn't get a chance to nip it away. It has a chance of returning and rearing its ugly head at some point when it's least convenient (Murphy's Law #42: the worst always happens at the worst time).

In other news, I've decided to use the gym facilities and run again. If I can't climb at 100%, at least I can do other stuff to keep my strength from decliing too quickly.

Nervous fear... rising...

Tomorrow we're supposed to go to Jtree and climb moosedog tower in indian cove. It's a 2 (or 3) pitch climb to the top of a rock formation - rated 5.9 and supposed to be fun.

But I'm nervous. I was starting to do some imaginal therapy (e.g. imagine myself on rope - yeah, it's pretty weak) and feeling better about myself. Now with this prospect it's back to the old nervous fidgeting.

Steph said she can lead all three pitches if I wanted. Not sure - I feel like I should just race ahead and lead at least one pitch to face my fears. We'll see tomorrow.

Now here's the thing though - I feel like for me to have a handle on my fear, I can either give in to it or I can embrace it with wild abandon and forget I'm on lead - effectively solo with wild runouts.

We'll see about that too...

Now onto actually quelling my fear... how did the litany go again?

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

I suppose that'll work.

Strange place to find relaxation

Coming home and watching / listening to the seconds tick away is strangely relaxing at times.