not exactly whining...

I'm curious - do most people feel their own life slipping away from them over the course of their workday? Do other people feel increasingly depressed and feel a heavy weight of despair coming down on them in an Indiana Jones and the spiky ceiling fashion? Do others sense that their life is trivial as their workday progresses? Do others feel like their fate is a joke by Fate when they sit at their desks, furiously trying to meet a deadline that truly does not matter in that hunter-gatherer sense of "matter"?

I started the day off so cheery - at 1:08pm today I'm approaching Marvin the robot's personality state at 42 mph.

Murder by the Euros

My buddy Spot and I have made a morning ritual at 8 am. After seeing Steph off to work, meditating for 15 minutes and eating breakfast, I promptly plop my butt infront of the TV and turn the Xbox on. Likewise, 600 miles away in a small house in San Francisco, Spot wakes up from his alarm set to 8 am, meanders onto the chair in front of his TV and turns on his Xbox.

We both listen to the choir like chorus of Halo 2 as it boots up.

Yes, every morning Spot and I frag our way through countless (probably around 30 so far) games of Xbox Live Halo encounters. Team slayer, team hardcore, team snipers, team training (see a theme here?) - we play it all and rise through the ranks. It's absolutely glorious as we backstab, assassinate, snipe and otherwise steal the other team's flag. Oh the flag - it's so... flappy.

But this morning the glory was outshined by our own death and destruction. We faced Swedes, Germans and possibly the Swiss. I don't know really - white people all look and sound the same to us asians.

I think one game of team slayer (kill each other) ended with 30 pts to 7. That was painful. Spot and I are consoling each other in our losses... I'm just glad they didn't hump our bleeding dead bodies in Halo as final insult.

In fact, I have to admit they were quite polite about it all (the euros). After defeating us soundly, they all gave a polite "Good game" (equivalent to a pat on the back or a hand shake and a stout "jolly ol' time, my good man" kind of statement). That might be only english phrase they knew - most of the time I heard crazy "ein stadt guten... oops! fraggen hazn mein... esenzn guten job!".

One has to wonder if that's what the euro's are like in real war:

*blam blam blah*
death?
blam
death
Good game!

I wonder who I will face tomorrow - perhaps some nuke happy North Koreans (equivalent to a player with a full load of plasma grenades and rocket launchers)?

Unintentional dress rehearsals to the airport

approximately 27 minutes to get to the airport, circle Terminal 2 once, and find parking during drizzly weather.

That's what I discovered during my unintentional dress rehearsal to the airport last night. I'm in charge of picking up my roommate, Taryn, from the airport. And I got the date of her arrival wrong.

Oh well, at least I know about how long it will take me, and at least I was a day early and not a day late.

The funny thing is, I think I've done this before with someone else...

Beck's Mom

Loose and dirty - that about sums up the majority of the climbing I did today at El Cajon Mtn.

after an hour long hike that hell rejected, Adam and I arrived at the base of El Cajon Mtn. one word: surreal. The entire day was foggy - the rope was a little damp, but somehow the rock was dry (once again, the analogy with Beck's mom still holds... loose, dirty and dry). the inital warm-up route, a 3 pitch 5.8, was stellar. slightly slabby to vertical climbing on plate sized patinas up an exposed wall was awesome. The fact that you could hear voices, but not see anyone due to the fog added to the surrealism. The world was a mere 30' sphere around you while climbing - definitely awesome.

The second route that we tried, called "The Storm", was supposed to be a 5 pitch climb to almost the summit. This is where it was truly loose, dirty and dry, not to mention crusty and bushy (the analogy knows no bounds). I have never had a more technically demanding route - not because the moves were hard, but because and careless weighting of the foot or grabbing of a hold would cause a chunk of rock to break. if the holds were good, the route would be easy. As it stood, the manky holds made this route almost like a contrived boulder problem (climb this easy looking wall without using any of the holds...).

I felt kinda bad - Adam lead the only 5.10 pitch on the entire route. I was tired and cranky from the poor climbing quality that I had Adam do the crux moves. I think physically, I'm a stronger climber than adam and could have done the moves with less pump. However, he's a better mental leader and lead the solid 5.10 pitch without any falls (good lead Adam!). I told him that his plan to make me his rope gun failed. I'm only good as a boulder gun... not that that does much good for anyone...

Next weekend? Talk of El Cajon Mtn again, or Jtree with Steph, possibly Taryn.

Climbing tomorrow!

El Cajon Mtn tomorrow. I've heard it's good, but let's see for ourselves, shall we?

What I understand about tomorrow:

75 degree weather, mostly sunny
granite
multipitch climbs or single climbs
mostly sport climbs.
1 hr approach
must dodge evil rattlesnakes as if I were in a game of frogger (frogger shoes are prepared)

I hope I don't forget something important like water, food or the rope. Yes, I've done that before.

Thursday gave Friday amiss and went straight to Saturday...

I wish that were true (see title). I woke up this morning completely confused for several minutes... "why is steph getting ready for work?". After contemplating the last several days, I realized that it was still Friday. *sigh*

Bishop calls. I can hear her sweet titilating voice whispering to my finger tips: "gimme that skin b*tch!". Ahh... how I've missed her so.

I'm beginning to dream again of the snow capped eastern sierras in the background of the climbing at the Buttermilks. The bright blue sky contrasting against the yellows, browns and oranges of the high desert boulders. Giant sentinels (typically 20' or more), all ready to test a climber's physical, mental and spiritial resolve.

and then there's the happy's and sad's - a giant canyon of volcanic tuft. The rock immediately shuts out the outside world when you finish the approach. you, the rock, and the other 4 dozen boulderers are all that's left. Hard crankin, sharp holds and desert dust is all that's there.

Finally there's the Druid stone's. If the hike doesn't kill you, the tough problems will. The Golden Child is there. 'nuff said.

Yup - definitely some whispering going on. It doesn't help that I'm in full bouldering mode right now. the trad lines at jtree just doesn't call as strongly as usual...

I think I may have re-injured myself again. *doh*. Crankin' a little too hard at the gym last night and my shoulder feels a little painful and stiff. I think I'll lay off the plastic for the rest of the week. On the bright side, I did do a "red tagged" boulder problem - the hardest type in the gym. What this means is that I'm able to do some of the harder boulder problems in the gym, post(or is it pre?)-recovery, AND I don't feel like I'm 100% recovered yet either. Which means that progress can still be made! Muah ha ha ha ha - perhaps next week I will do a Fusia and Salmon tagged boulder problem (what is fusia anyway?)

But anyways, due to the injury, my new obsession for the week will be Go in the evenings and Halo 2 in the mornings with my Haiku spitting friend, Spot. Halo's got a new playlist titled "team Hardcore" (no radar, different game parameters than usual) which I'm looking forward to exploring more in depth. I'm also looking forward to some good fraggin' in the mornings to wake me up. Mmmm... I love the smell of plasma charred cyber-flesh in the mornings...

Desire I

I wish to be inside a thunderstorm. I was in one for about 30 minutes, but I'd like to be somewhere (relatively safe) and just feel the energy of the storm passing around me. Like the Force. You heard me.

2 more routes

2 more routes have been set at Vertical Hold. I really need to speed things up - it takes me about 2.5 hours per route. I figure since they'll be around for about 3 months at a time, they should really be quality routes. I hope people will enjoy climibng on them.

In other news, I believe people who boulder / climb underneath route setters are retarded. If they die from falling bolts or holds, I'm going to calmly lower, confirm their death, and then promptly hand them a Darwin Award. Anyone stupid enough to put themselves in *obvious* danger like that should not be contributing to the gene pool.

I have faced my fear

this morning while meditating, I came across something unexpected. I huge wave of anxious fear. I sat at the edge of it, completely surprised how much of it existed.

I'm not sure what the fear is in response to. But it's there. It reminded me of the fear I faced recently while trying to lead Taxman. That was a fear of failure and had a different... flavor... to it. But the quantity is quite the same.

in other news, I'm resolved just to accept my job as is for the time being. Instead of allowing it to try to define who I am and what I do, I will accept that it's just a means to acquire funds for the greater things in life i.e. climbing :)

Truth be told!

Today, a friend of mine had read my posts and emailed me his personal anecdotes about honesty in the work place. In essence, he proved to me that there are still people who cherish honesty over business tactics.

This has strengthened my resolve. I plan on telling my supervisor that I no longer with to be responsible for documents where I had to "make up" things to report. If she persists, I have no option left but to tell the truth in these reports. If funding is cut to my employer, so be it. I don't want to lose any more nights of sleep over this. And if I'm fired, I can happily (and honestly) report to my next employer that "I was fired for telling the truth". I don't feel there is any shame in this.

So to all lying companies who are going to hire me, beware and fuuuk yuuu!

Thanks Spot - you may have saved my soul from reincarnating into a shmear stone.

Other things to report: went climbing for an hour and can sense my lost strength returning. Came home and cooked. Ate a healthy vegetarian diet with plenty of protein (I'm on schedule with my climbing diet program - high protein in the beginning week and high carb content in the latter half). I also got an inadvertent compliment today - a friend didn't recognize me from afar in the gym because of my added muscle mass. I take that to mean that I'm not looking *nearly* as skinny anymore!

ethics part II: more complaining

This blog truly is becoming my vent for life-related frustrations. Anyhow:

It's truly starting to annoy me that I have to bend so many of my ethical principles. The latest one is lying. I do my best NOT to lie - if I do something wrong, I will tell people. I *WILL* face the consequences of my actions instead of lying to cover them up (occasional playful fibbing doesn't count ;) ).

At work I have to lie. Not about myself, but about the work I do. And it's fully endorsed by management to cover our butts. And I do it on a variety of documents. Most of the time, I'm "distorting" the truth... sometimes it's an outright lie about the things that I'm doing or have done. That's about all I can say just in case anyone from NIH, NIDA, or the office of naval research is reading this (*cough cough*).

I feel like I'm accruing bad karma b/c of work. I swear, I'm goign to reincarnate into the piece of rock that some backpacker is going to lay a turd onto and make shmear art with.

In contrast, I miss even the work I did at St Bernard as their "Internet Analyst". Yes, in a way, I was impeding freedom of speech with the web filters. But I was always categorizing - never outright telling people what they could and could not see online. And it always felt like good, honest work.

I guess the bottom line is, I feel like everything I associate with work, including my work self, is fake. And I hate fake people. I hope they all reincarnate into the rock that kayakers use to sh*t-putt into the ocean.

Yes, that means 90% of the Socal would turn into a varitable scree field of rocks to be sh*tted upon. Imagine that.

New Climbing Training routine

I've discovered the ultimate climbing training - setting routes at gyms. You "climb" for nearly all day / afternoon / whatever doing low impact stuff. You really don't feel the workout until the next day.

Today is the next day for me. I am SORE. 7 hours of straight setting routes has caused me to be so sore, it's too much effort to stretch. I'm tempted in getting smashed just so I don't feel the soreness...

anybody want to join me?

My source for a creative outlet

... lies in making climbing routes. I've started setting routes for vertical hold. 2 routes - one 5.9ish climb and the other a 5.10ish climb. We'll see after a week or so of feedback.

I am *EXHAUSTED*. I've forgotten how much low impact workout you get from setting routes for 7 hours. I should do this more often, just for the workout.

I hope people like my routes. two people thought they were fun, but I think they were just being nice.

I do have to say I'm rusty - it took me a long time to set just *two* routes over there.

too much fun

I've found a new distraction in life -

http://starwars.com/community/fun/caption/. They're not all great but every once in a while...

SAD?

Seasonal Affective Disorder. Studies have shown that during the winter months, the prevalence of depression increases.

Seems like it's hitting early this year for some reason. Everyone from myself to friends' coworkers are feeling anywhere between run down to down-right depressed.

One theory from Steph is that it's in the water. I think it's whatever they're putting in the gasoline to make thin it out and make our reserves last longer.

career avenues

I don't think this research thing is working out for me. Maybe it's b/c I'm not the type, or maybe it's because I haven't done any research in my research associate position so my brain is degrading into a pile of poo-poo... in any case, I don't feel like it's something I can do.

So what other possibilities are out there? hmm.. my requirements are the following:

gives me time to spend with steph (otherwise, what the hell did I move to SD for???)
gives me flexible time off to go climbing (I need my sanity)
pays me enough so that rent is no more than 30% of my net pay
Intellectually stimulating
Challenging (but doesn't go into that realm of "impossible")
ethical business practices (no lying, cheating, killing people... that sort of thing)

some potential routes:

retail in outdoor gear
outdoor guiding
teaching

if anyone has any more suggestions, feel free to comment

ethics vs survial

So today's post covers a fundamental question about capitalistic societies - do you a) work regardless of personal ethics and morals to gain a buck b) maintain your integrity but live a life of poverty?

I think most people would take choice c) somewhere in between.

I work in a job that involves some military projects. I've also recently been given tasks to be more of a business manager. Two problems with this: 1) I hate the general idea of an offensive military force. Defensive forces like the natonal guard, coast guard - I see the necessity of those. Offensive forces in a blatantly required war (i.e. war against hitler) is something I can tolerate (but is still debateable). I also understand that alot of scientific accomplishments are from military spending (i.e. the Internet). But it's still something that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. 2) I hate capitalism. I don't like the competitive spirit and that's what capitalism is - it's a darwinian method that takes advantage of people's inherent cut throat competitiveness to earn a buck. And for me, competitiveness has an inherent problem: there's the winner and a loser. In a perfect world, people would coexist and not produce any winners OR losers. So business plans, financial gains and general acquisition of money and/or stuff falls into this category.

So my problem is this: I need money to survive in this american society. But do I give up the standards by which I feel I should live (code of ethics). If I do give it up, then does it mean that all ethics are liable for disintegration in the face of survival? Where is the civility in that? Shouldn't we, as a "higher species", be able to live for something greater than survival? What about integrity? Is it truly just a dream that is unattainable?

I thought about this today when I was in a business meetnig with Japanese visitors to our clinic. My job was to try and sift through the B.S. and find out if these people were truly serious about doing business. I put myself into a Zen state of full awareness (as much as I can in my quite unlearned state) and studied their body reactions, statements, etc. And I felt disgusted with myself for using meditation practice for something so little as business.

Ugh... I need to just live in a climber's commune somewhere.

serious climbing!

just came back from a day trip to jtree. awesome.

Jeff, Taryn and myself hit the ground running by jumping on Continuum (5.8), and then went over to Taxman (10a) and finished the day with left Mel's crack (10c). I was able to lead continuum fine, hung on Taxman like sloth from a jungle tree branch and just watched taryn and jeff TR mel's crack.

All in all, I feel destroyed - just the way I love to feel when I come back from a climbing trip.

I think that despite not being able to lead taxman clean, it was a great experience. I had to wrestle with my fears on taxman (falling, failure, etc) and lost, but the internal struggle gave me a sense of personal insight which I LOVE. I love opportunities to grow as a person, and challenges / struggles forces a person to grow one way or another.

What's truly fascinating is the mental struggle that manifested itself physically. I literally could not grip the holds as best as I could or place my feet as carefully as I should have. I couldn't run out the sections that I should have (and thus conserved my energy for the truly difficult sections). Fear is such a powerful mental force... I'm excited by the prospect of tackling such a large and seemingly overwhelming aspect of my personality. I have resolved to start meditations again - at least 3 times each week (I'd like each work day, but I'm setting realistic goals here...).

and now another tangent: will the climbing reflect the meditation practice or will the meditation practice reflect the chnages in my climbing?

in any case wishme luck!