Socially... awkward... ack!

Wow - tonight was an interesting night as far as being introverted and analytical goes.

One of my friends invited me to go "drinking" with him and some friends at a local brewery tonight. Little did I know I was roped into going to his friend's bday dinner - someone noticed it was 3 asian guys to about 6 white girls. In a sense, I was in heaven and hell both at the same time.

Why do you ask? Well - heaven... we don't need to cover that 'cept to say that all the girls there were very very attractive. Hell - b/c of who I am. That's the funny part. I am socially awkward (outside of climbing) to begin with. More so around girls (this I remembered...). So to be around girls who I don't know, I basically sat in the corner (literally) and listened to most people's stories and chimed in every once in a while. By the end, I was making polite casual conversation with two girls sitting on my side of the table (it was them and another asian guy... didn't want to be rude...).

Now here's the ineresting part: Was I truly feeling awkward b/c I was afraid of putting myself out there, or was I feeling awkward b/c I was attempting to force myself into talking with people I normally wouldn't have much interest talking to? They had few interesting things to say, but for the most part, I didn't find much intellectually stimulating. The honest truth probably lies somewhere in the middle - I was both afraid of being laughed at in a social situation while at the same time feeling fake by pushing myself talking to people I normally wouldn't and trying to look interested in topics that I didn't find interesting.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm even trying to force myself to talk to girls at this point. I think partially it's because I'm trying to convince myself that this is part of the fun of being single again. And I think partially it's because it's new and novel. Finally, I think the last bit is because I do get scared - but I enjoy wallowing in that sort of fear-that-does-not-harm i.e. talking to girls who don't matter in order to grow as a person and learn more about being social.

Actually, the most interesting thought I had tonight while I was in the shower (how's that for mental imagery for you readers?) was that I actually am interested in people. Yes - you heard it right - I am interested. You see, deep down, I think we are all the same scared individuals who want the same things: to be loved, to be the center of attention, to be accepted, to be the best. I think we all have the same fears too: rejection, loneliness, fear of change about the "good things" in life. What I really want to do is sit down and have intimate conversations with each person I meet and really peel back the layers of personal defenses that we've erected to shield ourselves from the horrors of "real life". What is it that they truly fear? How is this fear manifested? How did they become the person that they are? What are their goals? Their aspirations? Their dreams? Their favorite sexual position? How do they like to be kissed?

And so I come full circle in my thoughts: what drives me to throw myself into these socially awkward situations? I truly don't think it's because I want to try and sleep with these people (ok - girls, not people...). I think I miss having the level of intimacy with another human being - I find it fascinating. I think I've always been fascinated with what makes a person themselves. I wish I was more suave to be able to bring these answers out of people without them feeling alarmed / defensive / fearful of ridicule.

Ah oh well. Until then, I think I'm going to just have intimate conversations with myself to unravel who I am.

I think I'm beginning to understand this concert thing

Violent Femmes played in Del Mar last night, and me adopting the "Dare NOT to say no" attitude agreed to go this free concert. Well ... almost free. Parking is $6, but whatever. We got blessed with good parking, and a good get away at the end of the night.

In any case, going to the concert was fine. I've learned a few thigns though:

1) Do your homework before going to a concert. Listen to a couple of albums, songs, whatever. The experience is much more interesting when you at least know the songs
2) Drunk people are fun to watch. They're even funnier when they start dancing as if the almighty himself possesed them (or is it the devil's work to possess?) and their friends are trying to drag them away.
3) Butt cracks peeking out above the waist of jeans is unsightly. Even for cute blondes. Especially for plumbers (blonde plumbers beware)
4) Hypothesis: people go to concerts to be in a social atmosphere, make believe that they aren't lonely in this world by coming together for a common reason and then to "let loose" by singing / dancing. As my friend Sarah says: "the key to dancing is to try to make a fool of yourself". indeed...
5) I can't dance. I tried. I'm too stiff, and I have trouble hearing the beat. When I focus on the beat, I forget to smile and look like I'm having fun (usually I am... I just don't communicate it via facial expression). Cure: don't be sober when dancing.

In any case, it was an interseting event. I think I'm much more used to sitting down and listening to music and dissecting the sounds in my head, or letting it course through me like a good fearful reaction to something tramautic.

Oh - and oddly enough, the thought of naked girls is a turn off lately. Go figure...

no more midnight climbs for me

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

home(?)

Bed installation: check.

With Tristan (my roomie for the next 2 wks) helping, managed to get the queen mattress into my room tonight. My room is officially "mattress" with some extra space for "other stuff". man my room is small...

and HOT!!!!

managed to buy a towel, contact solution and flip flops tonight. Forgot the fan... oh that's right, THERE ARE NO FANS IN SAN DIEGO RIGHT NOW. Days like this I wish I were in a blizzard with my ice axe.

I would just like to note that it's 10:30 pm and I'm sweating as if I'm running a marathon. Am I running? No. Times like these, the Japanese tell scary story to give each other chills. Cheaper than an A/C, less effective than a blizzard. I'll stick with the blizzard, thank you very much.

The road to salvation...

... is long and expensive.

Just for kicks, and to make myself feel better, I decided to buy some useless shiny beepy thingy that was overpriced for consumerism.

I spent $200 today on washing/hand waxing my car and interior, a titanium spork and cookkit and a pair of oakleys.

shiny: oakleys
beepy: clean car
thingy: spork

Check, check and triple check!

Man I feel empty and poor... ;)

oh crap - I AM single!

I have irrefutable proof that I've crossed the "singles" line:

10:20 pm, and my dinner consists of:

Lays Salt and Vinegar chips and a package of pop tarts.

wow... how bachelor can you get?

oh - that's right: I'm single

Finished moving from Solana Beach to the UTC area. I feel like I've come full circle to the way things were 5 years ago - I'm living about 4 blocks away from where Hamster House was.

It's only now started to really sink in that I'm separated from Steph and that I'm single. Wow. Heavy dude.

I'm considering picking up the life that I left off when I started seeing Steph. That is, "just enjoy my life, not worry about trying to hook up with someone and let the girls chase me". Eh - it sorta worked last time. I did start seeing steph after all. Stupid girls - they don't have to deal with chasing any guys...

Anyways, the roomies are all cool. It's kind of up in the air about who is staying and who is not... and whether or not the land lady is going to be living here for a time. Whatever - I'm just looking forward to sleeping in my own bed again. Oh wait - I don't have a bed. I'm looking forward to sleeping on the floor in my own sleeping bag again. :)

Hope I didn't bring any scorpions with me and that athey're not hiding inside the sleeping bag...

the veil of the dark side is falling...

I sense much ennui in me. Ennui leads to sadness. Sadness leads to depression. Depression.... leads to suffering!

I don't know what to do with myself these days. I'm getting pretty bored. I remember my friend Arisa used to tell me that after a breakup, one should go out and do whatever interests them, even vaguely. That way you keep yourself occupied and before you know it, time has passed for the healing.

That's partly why I'm not saying "no" to people whenever they invite me to go do something. Vaguely interesting event that could lead to something better. If nothting else, keeps my mind occupied.

So moral of the story: invite me to go do stuff with you! :)

Wow - you're not real, are you?

I once read somewhere that wisdom is the ability to see past the self-imposed delusions of life. In most cases, I think that's very true - the wise leader can see past the petty squabbles and the glory to their own ego to do what is best for the group instead of doing what they want to believe is good for the group. A wise lover sees past that which they want to see instead of believing in that which they desire.

I'm definitely not a wise lover, but I did become aware this morning of how in my life there is the steph that I want to love and miss and the steph who is there. There's a part of me that wants so desperately to cling to that person who is loving, selfless, fun, intelligent and vibrant. But the Steph that I can call up or email is no longer these things to me - her role in my life no longer carries these labels.

I think it helps me get over Steph to recognize the fact that whenever I start missing her, it's not Steph that I'm missing, but rather the girlfriend that I want that I'm missing. It's this illusory figure that my feelings are latched onto now, along with all the "what ifs" and "but it could be...".

In other news, I need to stay away from girls. I can't help but feel like I'm about to lose myself and shower my attention on a cute girl when they walk past. Sigh - the problems (benefits?) to working on a university campus - there's approximately 10,000 young girls from the ages of 18 - 22, along with the couple thousand other graduate students, as well as the young professionals that work as staff. I'm so screwed (not literally! yet...)

My mantra

These days I'm facing quite an exhausting emotional rollercoaster. I've decided to write down my mantra to remind myself how to get through it all. Feel free to use it if it helps you in any dramatic situation (particularly for breakups):

Pain is a reminder that I'm alive
Hate is a tool to burn the cords that must be cut
Fear is a beacon to help me realize my weaknesses
Anger is a vehicle to temper and strengthen those weaknesses
Love is a companion to help heal the wounds
Joy is the draw to help Love appear
Bliss is a haven to rest the spirit
Wisdom is the strength to shatter delusions
To move forward, I must understand these tools. To understand these tools, I must embrace them and use them completely until they are exhausted. To fully use them is to first forget the self, and to forget the self is to be enlightened by the ten thousand things, starting with these tools.

A little Zen saying attached at the end, but whatever. The saying is not original (and a Zen Master would probably clobber me on the head for doing that), but it reminds me to clear my mind and face what I feel, and use them all to my advantage instead of running away from them. Life is too short to be depressed and weep in a corner by myself.

Not sure how to feel anymore...

Wow - so much going on lately that I can't keep track of it all. Let's start at the beginning - that's always a good spot.

This weekend was spent in Black Mtn again. Can't say that I did anything spectacular, other than a clean ascent of the Visor Lip and some progress on Pink Crack. I'm actually able to move to the slopey last hold before the lip - I've never gotten there before. Also, the height nevered bothered me - I didn't even think twice about falling the dozen times or so that I kept trying.

Black mtn was Dan's idea. He knew I needed to be forcefully pulled away from San Diego where thoughts of Steph would invariably get me depressed. To that end, it was neither good nor bad - in hindsight, it just was. There's multiple reasons why I feel this way. The experience of the weekend was good, but there was some awkwardness with the crew, Steph and her crew were in Black Mtn for a day and I think I just need to rest mentally.

Aside from the climbing, I got to know Dan, Johnnie and Scott a little better - always awesome. They're all good people. Dan was cool enough to buy some cheap wine and a bottle of rum for the weekend. The bottle was evenly split between me and Dan while I polished off nearly half the bottle of rum on my own during the chatting around the fire. I can't say I remember everythng that was said, but my friends assure me that nothing embarrassing was said and I was just really kinda happy, chatty and open (according to Dan, that wasn't really any different than when I'm sober...). I think the most embarrasing thing I probably said aloud was "I don't think I should see any girl right now because I'd such a manky date". That was a thought I wasn't really going to say aloud... oh well.

Seeing Steph was an interesting experience. I can't say for her, but I was fine seeing her. Talking to her was a pleasure - in some strange way, I feel like we were really talking and connecting eye-to-eye. Granted, the short, civil talks centered around beta (that's climber talk for "help"/advice) about climbing, but whatever. I think our mutual friends felt more at ill ease than we did.

Unfortunately, on the drive back to San Diego, I started missing her. And to be honest, it's not for any spark that I feel now for her - I've realized that my love her wasn't a passionate one. She's definitely special, and will always stay that way. But I don't feel like she was "the one" for me. Still, I missed her company and having someone in my life to talk about the little things on my mind and daily happenings. I missed being able to connect with someone so well. I missed the idea of having a girlfriend. This is why I realize that although it was a great pleasure to see Steph and talk to her as a fellow climber, I don't want to see her anytime soon again. I need time to untangle these connections and my feelings about her role in life from who she is as a person. Hope that makes sense.

my friends are all awesome

Once again, Spot has come through and brightened my night. I emailed him and told him of my breakup with steph. This was his reply:

James,

From your email to now, I have been trying to think up something to say that would be good/appropriate/cheerful/optimistic/positive/helpful/true/sympathetic/empathetic/not pathetic. These parameters have limited me to the following phrase:

Cook rabbit posterior.

Brilliant! I haven't laughed that hard or long since Steph and I had "the talk". It's surpassed the humor value of the phrase "hippopotamus butt" (try it - turn to your coworker / friend / sig. other and say "Hi there - Hippopotamus Butt". Bet you can't keep a straight face!).

In other news, I'm even getting sympathy from people I've never met, on the other side of the world! Mr Tiga - you're "in" the inner circle dude. He's even got me linked from his blog! What a friend!

In all seriousness, my friends have been awesome the last 48 hours. I couldn't ask for more genuine good people in my life. The Republic has been checking in on me periodically, Eitetsu's offered his couch to me, and even random climbers in the gym whom I've only met for about a month have offered me their couches as well. One friend in particular might be able to hook me up with a room for rent! Sweetness!!!!

Can I get off this rollercoaster now?

beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct. This every sister of the Bene Gesserit knows.

- from Manual of Muad'Dib by the Princess Irulan

I thought I was doing pretty well with this break up when I went to bed last night. I had talked for nearly 24 hours straight with a variety of people in different media. I wrote down my thoughts. I let the emotions sweep through me and let them take their course without repression. I felt wounded, but optimistic.

Then this morning I woke up and things were... not as great. In that twilight moment between awake and asleep, when only the most basic of thoughts start to move, I instinctively reached over to Steph's part of the bed. Not finding her, I was a little disappointed and thought she'll be back from Spain soon. When the higher thoughts started to surface and coalesce, I realized what happened - and then I went through the grief, confusion and the whole gamut of emotion all over again. It was like breaking up one more time, but with the entire range of emotion I felt in 24 hours time compressed into about 30 seconds. I'm just glad the intensity was turned down.

Talking to Erin last night, she made mention how when she broke up with her ex, anytime she was alone she'd stare blankly at the wall for hours. I'm at work, with a task infront of me, listening to my ipod and trying to shut my mind down except for my work but it's not just working. I just sit back in my chair, fold my arms behind my head, and stare at the rows of neuroscience journals over my desk. At this rate, I should memorize the article numbers' correlation with dates of publishing soon...

The quote I picked is something for me to remind myself right now. Having gone through basically 3 other breakups, 2 of which were about 3 year relationships, I know now that the first few weeks are critical. If I don't take care of my feelings, I drop into a horrible terrible depression for months on end. I'm doing my best to look at things optimistically. It helps that I see things logically about how things ended, that there are no hard feelings, and it also helps to feel this sense of peace deep inside. That peace reinforces the idea that this is the right path.

Steph and Obi = Steph... and then there's Obi.

Steph and I broke up last night. What happened? How did it happen? These things I'm not quite ready to blog yet.

Some might say this blog is inappropriate. I say screw them. I need some space to self-analyze and to vocalize my thoughts to put them in order.

It's also a means of letting my friends know of what happened so I dont have to send emails out to tell them. I'm a lazy bastard that way.

I think at this point, I'm just feeling confused yet at peace with what's going on. Steph and I aren't angry with each other - in fact, we want to stay friends (albeit after a hiatus from each other. Need time to let things sink in for both of us). It might not have sunk in yet - only time will tell.

You know, what's really interesting that I see in myself is that there are two parts of me right now: 1) the hurt ex-boyfriend whose world is collapsing around him 2) the sensible, logical guy who does what needs to be done. While internally, I'm feeling a swirl of emotion - most of which I don't understand and is keeping me from thinking straight, there's a small but distinct voice in me that is saying "Alright, we've been through this kind of pain before and we've refined the healing process. Let's get to work...". I think I'll be alright - but I can't tell. I'm either going to push things deep down and let them fester (not that it's what I want...), or I'm going to be able to take things well and recover sooner than later. This is the third relationship that's lasted for at least 3 years - I sorta know what's coming and how to deal with it.

I think things are going to hurt most when I start to physically move out. Yes, move out - it makes more sense for me to move out than for Steph. She's closer to work, she enjoys the beach, she has the better salary to pay for it on her own, and she's got more stuff in here than I do. I've never moved in with a significant other and then had to move out - I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that when it comes.

Dude - how do I respond to THAT?!

The last week or so I've been in situations where someone said something that was incredibly hilarious, but I found myself biting my tongue despite having half a dozen things to say. It just so happens that they were all in appropriate. What would YOU have said in these situations:

1) Friend of a few years is telling me about her past dates. Out of the blue, she tells me how the last partner she was with loves to be with her. Her tone obviously hints at something sexual. She just kinda shrugs and tells me how no one really told her that the smell/taste of her partner is supposed to be unappealing and she doesn't mind it at all. TMI!

2) One of the lab manager's wife (who is a coworker of mine as well) and I were talking about how I was planning on cooking for Steph when she got home. Something light - told her the menu that I planned. She exclaims "you cook for her? WOW" where she immediately turns to her husband and says "see - you should follow Obi's example, otherwise I might run away with him" (jokingly of course). I felt I needed to joke it off, but what joke could I say without offending him/her/other coworkers who were chit chatting with us. I felt like I was parachuted into a minefield. I did what any good polite Japanese person would do: smile blankly and nodded my head.

3) while bouldering, Dan and I started climbing with this guy and girl. The girl sits down on a rock as she watches a couple of us work some moves on a problem. All of a sudden she lets out this yelp. The rest of us guys immediately turn to her as she looks mildly annoyed and then loudly proclaims, "An ant crawled into my shorts and bit me on the lip!". I don't even know this girl's name! I just met her 30 minutes prior to The Ant incident. If I knew her better and she was a "safe" friend, maybe - just maybe - I could have said one of about 8 things that flashed through my head. Even that was pushing it...

So ladies (b/c it seems like the ladies), unless you really want a lewd/crude comment from me (and I can be crude...), please keep your 1) culinary tastes 2) desires to use me as a dating example in front of my coworkers 3) bug bite problems on any spot I can't help you scratch, to yourselves PLEASE.

And for good measure - the same goes for the guys. Hermaphrodites are exempted.

Sometimes I surprise myself...

Quick report on Black Mtn, part Deux:

No pics to put up - a quick day trip with Dan. Would have taken my car, but there was a crack in the windshield the size of Beck's Mom. Yes - that big.

I pleasantly surprised myself that day. Quick warm up on some warm up boulders above the Visor - I was able to send the boulder lip traverse on my first try. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT. The previous week I sent an unnamed V4 which I've been trying for god knows how long. I'm kind of reeling from going from uber injured to ticking projects... who knew?

I've been having this inner tug towards climbing this summer - maybe somewhere deep in me, I knew it was time for me to send. Whatever it was, I hope it sticks around for a while. It's nice not to feel so frustrated and forced to keep myself in check. It's nice to just let go and climb hard - at my limit. It's so liberating.

I didn't send much afterwards, but it's ok. I was working all projects - things I couldn't really touch before and making progress. I'm consistently hitting the "jug" on the Visor Center (V6), moving off of holds on Transmaniacon (V7/8), and able to see the moves on Adamantium (V7). I still need to hold myself back in the gym so I don't land in the injury zone again.

Regardless, I feel at peace when I'm working problems at my limit. Maybe that's also why I liked surfing - it's a limit thang.

Black Mtn, part Deux!

Black Mtn, 8 am tomorrow morning with Dan Popa. I'm excited.

He's got cool energy - we're both kinda like "let's just go have fun and play things by ear". I don't even know where I'm meeting him tomorrow morning. THAT's how much we're playing things by ear.

My stand-in girlfriend...

Steph has been gone for nearly 3 weeks now. That's three weeks of me being physically lonely.

Fortunately, I'm getting my kicks elsewhere - my bike. Yes - my @ss raping, butt bruising, oxygen depriving bike has graciously given me an outlet. How do you ask? Every morning after I ride my bike, I'm suffused with a glow VERY simliar to a post-orgasmic experience. Sometimes, just sometimes, I'll spend a few minutes after my ride and lovingly caress its gears as I whisper sweet nothings into its derailers - just for giving me such a great feeling. I have to say, I've never gone through so much bike lube to make them nice and greasy like my bike. What can I say? She's been good to me.

My bike has pulled off something that I've never experienced before - sort of the sadistic type, but always on the bottom. And my bike lets me ride it for hours on end - basically as long as I last. I don't know what else can pull that off.

Alas, Steph returns in 48 hours time. Some would say "Good God, Obi! You need her back!". I agree. My bike is next to nothing besides Steph - Steph is such a warmer, more vibrant person. Besides, my bike doesn't have much of a personality anyway.

Fireworks just fizzle for me

Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

Tonight is the 4th of July. Which means fireworks. And living in Solana Beach, I'm treated to a spectacular view of fireworks from the Del Mar Fairgrounds. Yet, all I did was watch it for all of 20 seconds before I was bored and went back inside.

It's not necessarily fireworks. It's most group festivities. I just don't find them interesting and I quickly get bored of them - fireworks, bar hopping, clubbing, musical shows, plays, etc. Anything that the "average" American finds interested in doing from time to time with the company of good friends or peers. I just get bored of them and hate feeling like I have to be fake to be out there.

Yet, I'm also strangely drawn to them. I still want to go, in case I miss out on something that perhaps I do actually enjoy this one time. Maybe it's the energy of the group that I feed off of - kinda like a good vibe that I get from the people. Whatever it is I still feel compelled to go (sidenote: I tend to stop myself because I know I'm just going to be bored and grumpy and therefore upset the people I'm with for appearing bored).

When I'm at these events, like tonight with the fireworks, I really REALLY try to enjoy what I'm watching. But it's not something that I really feel like I can get into - in fact, I feel emotionally flat while I sense myself trying to poke my inner feelings of pride, amazement, fun, and what have you to life. Unfortuantely, my inner feelings have sharp teeth and tend to bite the stick I'm poking it with in before it slumbers again.

Black Mtn aka the land of sharp crimptastic climbing

This past weekend was a Black Mtn crimptastic trip. Brand new crew to the boulders = brand new energy. It's also pretty much the first time this season that I've gone up there to boulder. I also feel like a brand new me since I've been injured - must be the time off + the biking that I do (woo hoo! torture and self-torment on the Torrey Pines Hill is paying off!).

It was Dan, Johnnie, Lyra, Noel and myself out there in a 2 Subaru Outback caravan up the 6 miles of gnarly dirt roads. First off, let me just say that I've NEVER seen the roads so bad as they were this past weekend and that I LOVE my car. AWD baby - hells yeah! There were parts of the road that little sedans like Camrys and the Prius (Toyota only maybe? hmm...) had to turn around b/c they'd just produce huge potholes in the road from spinning their tires in the dirt. It was a Subaru commercial in the making - I wish Subaru reps were there to smile in pride.

Although initially skeptical of the camping situation (it was 4th of July weekend afterall), there were TONS of camping all over. We found a perfect spot in the middle of all the bouldering and took the crew on a quick tour of the problems before setting down to eat lunch and then to work! Projects awaited! Sick onsights by the crew!

Started off warming up on some Black Mtn "easy" problems. For those of you who have never been to Black Mtn, there is no such thing as "easy" - everything is either small sharp and crimpy, overhanging, or both. Beginners beware!!! Despite this, we were off to a good start. People were having fun playing on the warm up rock before we moved on to some harder problems.












One of the main focuses of the day was the problem "Emperor's New Clothes" - a fantastic problem that starts on a thin flake to a open handed crimp hold, then a wind up to a series of bumps on slopey nothingness. It was an immediate project for Lyra and Dan.

Showed the group some of the Black Mtn classics like 4 wheel drive, front wheel drive, pink crack, etc. It was only about 3 hours of bouldering and people were losing skin fast - Black Mtn is sharp!!!

We toured some more boulders around Boulder Basin. I was able to redo Emperor's New Clothes, the "Obi problem" (unnamed problem near Bellyflop), various V0's and V1's, and a smooth ascent of 4 wheel drive.

That night I considered where I was in my climbing - Black Mtn has always been a place that was SERIOUS climbing. The problems can be tall and that makes things serious for most people, but there's this quiet aggressive energy that I need to find deep inside and bring out in order to climb. Black Mtn basically has taught me to come face to face with my inner determination, power and focus. The problems I sent that day felt "easy" despite a long hiatus from climbing. I was looking forward to testing myself on some projects the following day despite warnings from my friend Eitetsu about making sure my "eyes weren't bigger than my muscles" - basically telling me to keep it easy so I don't injure myself again.

The next morning we packed up camp and drove out to OK Corral - a mile drive down the road to a series of HARD boulder problems. I introduced the crew to DVD worthy problems (Dark Horse, OK Arete, Cosmos), warmed up on the only V0 there and then played on a series of problems near the parking lot.

By noon, I felt ready. It was warm - but I kept telling myself that the heat of the midday would be good to warm up my muscles. The energy of the group was intense in its sense of frustration but excited and I used it to my advantage to keep me motivated. I wanted a test of my climbing abilities. I immediately jumped on the Stanage problem, a V4 standing mantle problem.

A few tries on it would shut me down. A slight tweak in my shoulder as I tried to rotate my hand to set it up for the push sent a sharp pain deep in my shoulder. It was a little disheartening.

After some time, I would try again, this time on another project of mine around the corner. I don't know why but I felt compelled to push myself to my absolute limit. I felt like Black Mtn was about to re-teach me something. Stacking a couple of pads and asking Noel to help spot me on the problem, I grabbed the starting holds, cleared my head, took a deep breath and started the problem. The problem was simple. Good sidepull holds on an overhanging arete to a large throw out left with bad feet, and then bump and work my way up subtle incuts to a jug and then a dynamic mantle. I've never gotten past securing the throw.

Four attempts later, I would throw to a the large sidepull, securely place a heel hook and grunted my way up with every bump. It was awesome - after nearly a 6 month hiatus from climbing sub-limit ability, I had sent a several year project of mine!!! I'm back, baby!

It's been 2 days now, and I still feel no pain or aches in my joints - I think I'm out of the woods for any further injuries. The project I sent (which incidentally is unnamed - a pity...) probably sounds so dramatic, but those memories are etched in my mind right now. Black Mtn is my tough-love Kung Fu master - and my master has shown me the way to clear my mind and climb. I am not broken like I feared for 6 months... I just need to find the right kinds of problems/routes and I can still project at my limit. I can't describe how paralyzing this joy is - it's wonderful.

I'm planning on going to black mtn with Dan again this Saturday. It's time for me to play again.

Oxygen rich?

So those of you who know me know that I have horrible cardio. It's further exacerbated when I'm at altitude - the usual shortness of breath, etc etc.

Well, this weekend was spent at 7k feet at Black Mtn. Climbing was awesome (but what would I expect from Black mtn?). The amazing part was that I could run around with no acclimation and no shortness of breath! Sweetness!

The weird this is that I'm back at sea level and I'm facing shortness of breath as I walk around my apartment. WTF?! Is it just too oxygen rich for me to breath properly? I'm curious to see how tomorrow's bike ride is going to go...

What is thy bidding, my master?

Going to black mtn this weekend for some wicked bouldering!!!!! Not only that, I'm going with a good group of strong, sick climbing ability friends, so I'm super stoked about seeing some problems being sent.

Let me tell you about black mtn and me. I consider the point where I started climbing to be my "birth". So if the UCSD climbing center wa the womb where I was reborn, Black Mtn is the ancient kung fu master that kicks the living sh*t out of you, kicks the living shi*t out of the sh*t, and then turns around and slaps you around some more from having the sh*t kicked out of you. But in the end you realize that it's all tough love and the kung fu master has taught you the ways of his ancient tradition - and now you are able to have pinch strength of steel, jump over your foes from high heights, and Force Choke yourself. eerrrr.. maybe not that last part.

In short, Black Mtn is where I have learned many things important for my climbing, including staying motivated, respect, patience, and foresight. Many have come but they were not ready for its awesome tutelage and left thinking I was insane for attempting to study at its feet.

My Epitaph

Wikiquote has a great collection of epitaphs which I've been reading during my spare time at work (in between processing jobs, I swear!!!). I wanted one. Without the death of course.

I'm no where near as clever as most of these people with cool epitaphs, so I contacted Spot to write me an epitaph if I die in the next 37 years. This is what he wrote back:

Here Lies James "Jimmy Fingerpads" Obayashi, Sith.
1973 - 2005
He taught us that one can die from self "Force Choking", and simultaneously that maybe we as a society ought to see if people are all right first during times of apparent duress...before we laugh in their asphyxiating faces.


p.s. Dude, it was still pretty funny.